"Whenever anyone mentioned the wedding or my fiancé, my throat tightened. I'd get short of breath. My heart raced. I was scared.
Four months earlier, I happily said "yes!" to a wonderful man who understood me inside and out and was perfect on paper. Before becoming engaged, I loved my relationship with my fiancé. I loved him, felt lucky to be with him, and that we had such a special and magical relationship.
I was so confused.
I never imagined I'd have cold feet. I thought cold feet only happened right before your wedding.
Negative feelings got hold of me so badly that I'd just look at my fiancé and cry. I felt so guilty for having those feelings and even worse for knowing how those feelings would hurt him.
I felt as though I had literally lost my mind.
After a week straight of looking at my fiancé and falling to tears, he said I needed to seek help, and he would do whatever we needed to do to make sure I was OK.
That night I searched Internet for help: "cold feet," "engaged and scared," "no spark in my relationship," "signs you should call off the wedding." The Internet did its job of giving me the worst case scenario in every situation: what I found made me feel worse. It was like Googling the symptoms of your common cold and WebMD tells you that you have a rare disease that originated in Africa and you have 48 hours to live.
I scared myself in to a dark scary hole, an abyss of no return, reading late into the night.
The last blog I came across cited a "counselor who only worked with brides." My first reaction was "Wow, another money-grubbing scam to trick gullible brides into spending more money on this money pit of a wedding." I was skeptical, and I was scared to talk to a therapist, since I had never talked to one before.
But I was at my wit's end, and I immediately downloaded her book. I kid you not: I felt better instantly and was laughing out loud reading the first chapter with her story about fighting with her mother for 4 months about the temperature of the lasagna at her rehearsal dinner. The next day I continued to read her book and welled up with tears watching her videos online. Her book was the only thing that kept me from being a weepy mess over the weekend.
Finally, someone understood what I was feeling. I emailed Allison in hopes she really existed and that this was't a hoax. To my surprise, Allison emailed me back that day. She was real; this wasn't a hoax. We set up a consultation for the following week. (In the meantime, I had booked appointments with the best therapists in the area -- University of Pennsylvania-degree-toting therapists who seemed quite cold.)
During my free 15-minute video consultation, I just cried. I barely got words out. I told her how I felt, and she could not have been more warm and compassionate. She even made this face, because she could really feel my exact pain. (For a while, I'd cry every time she did it.)
Because that's what I needed: I needed someone to know what I was feeling. I reassured my fiancé that I had found the answer, and that I would be fine.
Allison told me to slow down, that things are not as black and white as "call off the wedding" or "go through with the wedding." She told me to take a month-long break from planning the wedding and to take it easy on myself. She put me at such ease that I cancelled all appointments with the University of Pennsylvania therapists and put my faith in Allison.
BEST. DECISION. EVER.
Even feeling so comfortable with her, I was scared Allison would tell me to call off the wedding....but I also really I wanted her to give me a definitive yes-or-no answer about whether I should get married or not. (I know, it doesn't make sense.)
She is a therapist, and what she did give me are the tools I needed to answer that question myself. She taught me how to deal with all the "What if" questions that were plaguing me. She helped me look into my past, learn things about myself I couldn't see on my own, and showed me how they directly affect my emotions today.
Things I never thought could contribute to my cold feet did -- like my family, how I let others treat me, and how I saw myself. Through therapy, emotional work, and reading her book, I am feeling so much more confident in my upcoming wedding in four months.
Now, on a daily basis, I feel excited and elated when I think about my upcoming wedding.
There are moments during the day I just think to myself, "I'm getting married!!!", "I'm going to have a husband.", and "We're going to be our own little family."
So many moments I can't help but just beam."