Calling Off The Wedding: A Practical Guide
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Allison Moir-Smith,
MA
Bridal Counselor &
Author
Thinking of calling it off?
Bridal counseling can help you with this heart-wrenching decision.
Click here for Counseling FAQs to read how.
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Calling off your wedding will be one of the most difficult things you do in your life.
But if you must, here's what you might expect:
The high drama of telling your fiancé, family, and friends will last a week or so. You'll be shocking everyone's systems, and it will be a very emotional time for everyone involved. You must let everyone have their feelings and just weather the storm.
After a week or so, everyone will incorporate the reality that you're not getting married and eventually move back into their own lives. In time, the drama will end.
Your fiancé will likely feel devastated, enraged, betrayed, humiliated, ashamed, embarrassed, afraid, furious about the money spent, and a thousand other high-intensity emotions. But in a few days, weeks or months, he will be most likely be OK. He may also be relieved.) Either way, this will be a painful life-lesson for him, as it is for you, and will shape him as a person. Keep in mind that continuing the relationship -- romantic or friendship -- will probably be asking too much, so deciding not to marry usually results in the end of the relationship. In There Goes The Bride by Rachel Safier (see below) only 2 of the 62 Almost Brides married their fiances at a later date.
Your family may be shocked -- especially if you've hidden your ambivalent feelings from them as most brides do. They might possibly be angry at the outlay of money for the wedding itself. But eventually (or immediately), they will be relieved that you made the best decision for yourself. Your long-term happiness is worth a $20,000 reception. Really, it is.
His family may be angry, because they'll think you've humiliated their son. There's not much you can do about that in the short-term; all you can hope is that one day they'll realize that you made the best decision for you, and for him. He should only marry someone who really wants to marry him: and that's not you.
Your friends will likely support you. They'll be fine with swallowing the cost of $400 plane tickets and $150 hotel rooms, because all they want is for you to be happy. And they'll probably make plans to be with you on what was to be your wedding weekend. Let them.
Your guests will likely understand. A few days after you've spoken with your fiancé, your family, his family, and your close friends, you should call (or write, or email) each guest personally and inform them that the wedding has been called off, you're sorry for the inconvenience, and you appreciate their support -- of you and your fiance -- during this difficult time.
You may feel a combination of huge relief (that's how you know it's the right decision) and horrible guilt, regret, and uncertainty. You'll also feel like The Bad Guy. There's not much getting around that. Some people will try to make you feel worse, but you'll probably be the expert at that. This will be your challenge as you get through these days, weeks, and months ahead: hanging onto your gut instinct and trusting that it is right. Your other challenge will be to not beat up on yourself: yes, you're causing a lot of pain in the short-term, but in the long-term you're making the best decision for yourself and your fiancé. You are not a bad person, even though you may feel like one. You must remember that.
Run, Don't Walk, To The Bookstore
And pick up There Goes The Bride: Making Up Your Mind, Calling It Off & Moving On by Rachel Safier with Wendy Roberts, LCSW ($14.95, Jossey-Bass Publishers).
An invaluable resource for extremely cold-footed brides. In it, you'll read intimate, thought-provoking, and detailed stories of 62 "Almost Brides"-- women who called of their own weddings or who had their weddings called off. There Goes The Bride addresses the wrenching emotional side of this decision, as well as the practical aspects too. "How-to"s include: what to do about the ring, how to get money back from vendors, telling the priest, informing the newspapers, sending back gifts, selling bridesmaids' dresses on Ebay, considering counseling and much, much more.
Getting Support
Family and friends who support your decision and its aftermath are essential right now. Know who those people are, and ask them for their support. Ask them to be on the emotional roller coaster with you, wherever you are.
Additional support: I help brides on both side of the equation -- in person or on the phone if you're not in Boston -- through the aftermath of called-off weddings. I help brides who have called off the wedding through the guilt, fear, sadness, anger, and guilty relief. And I help brides who've had their weddings called off move on in their lives.
It's an intense time for both members of the couple, and if either of you need support, I'm here. I've helped brides understand what happened and move on in their lives. Let me help you.
Short-Term Versus Long-Term
In the short-term, calling of your wedding will be difficult and sometimes awful. The guilt, the money spent, the looking for a new place to live, the loss of relationship with your fiancé, the fear that there's no one else out there -- all this may at times overwhelm you. But something deep within you knows that you're making the right decision, and you must trust that.
Here's some perspective: in one to two years' time, you'll look back at the week you called off the wedding, and it will be hazy. You will feel clear that you made the right decision. You'll have grown immensely from this challenge, you'll probably be in a new relationship, and you'll have learned so much about yourself.
The short-term misery is tough; you're doing this for your long-term happiness.
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