|
Workshops
Brides
Couples
Comments
Newsletters
Free Consultation
Press!
Links
About Us
Contact Us
We Get Press!
TODAY
Good Morning America
FOX, WB
Bridal Guide
Cosmopolitan
Elle
Elegant Wedding
| |
|
How Brides Really Feel
During Their Engagements
For the past few months, I've posted this question on my website:
"During your engagement, you have felt:
A. really happy
B. more anxious than I expected to be
C. more afraid than I expected to be
D. sadder than I expected to be"
The answers are revealing.
12% are "really happy"
"I can honestly say this is one of
the happiest times of my life," said these brides.
Some lucky brides really are happy. Granted, not a whole lot of them -- only
12% -- but at least someone's living the myth of the happy bride. Writes one
bride: "We both have the same ideas in terms of the wedding we want, and we
shared the work."
From their answers, the "really happy" brides seem solely focused on the
wedding itself: their emotional process of being engaged centered around the
wedding.
For less-than-really-happy brides, Life intervened. Wedding planning itself
was easy. Psychological and emotional issues are, shall we say, challenging.
23% are "sadder than they
expected"
For one bride, her engagement feels sad to her because "my parents think I
can do better, he's not paying the bills, and he admits he's feeling
scared." Her image of her engagement was far from living up to its
reality.
Another was consumed with sadness about the state of her family
relationships, sadness so great that it felt like grief.
|
Allison Moir-Smith
Bridal Counselor and
Author of Emotionally Engaged
(Feb. 2006: Hudson St. Press)
HELP! I Have
Cold Feet!
|
During my engagement, I would have fit into this
category. I felt sad about feeling disconnected from my single
girlfriends. I felt sad about difficult family relationships and how I
wasn't being supported they way I felt I needed. I felt sad about leaving
my single life and losing my identity that I had honed and crafted for
many years. I felt sad, sad, sad....I was stunned at how sad I felt. For
me, it had nothing to do with my relationship to my fiance. It was all
"my stuff." And it was hard to be sad when I was supposed to be "happy."
24% are "more afraid than they expected"
For 24% of brides, the reality of a lifelong commitment has thrown them
for a loop:
"I really thought I was
ready for marriage, and now that I'm faced with it, I'm surprised at how
scared I feel," they said.
"I know he's the right guy," elaborates one bride, "and that we are
perfect for each other. BUT I'm so scared inside -- what if he isn't the
guy? What if there's a different guy I was supposed to marry, and I just
haven't met him yet? I love my fiancé so much, and the very ideas in my
head make me feel awful and guilty. HELP! I need to know I'm not the
only one who feels this way."
She's not. By a long shot.
"I've been really happy, and wedding planning hasn't been too stressful,"
writes another bride. "The biggest surprise is how scared I have been
about getting married. The idea of committing myself to one person is
wonderful, but the reality of putting all my faith and love into one
relationship has me scared about what could happen if it ends one day.
It's a big transition from dating to having that kind of faith in one
person."
Writes a third: "Letting into my heart someone who really loves me is
causing me great anxiety along with commitment issues around giving up my
independent nature."
|
The Private Lives of
Engaged Couples
|
The good news is that these brides are acknowledging and articulating
their fears. Their next steps are to work through the fears -- to get to
the kernel of what the fear is about, understand the fear, and integrate
the fear.
My sense is that the fear is not really about The Guy: it could stem from
an old relationship, a parents' divorce, a relationship with the father,
or something else altogether. This is what we'll do in the Cold Feet
workshop next Tuesday, August 12 -- get to the source of the fears. Let
me help you work through these fears, brides!
41% are "more anxious they
expected"
"I've discovered that an anxious person lives inside me," writes one
bride. For her and many others, there's a
love-hate relationship with their weddings. At times they love the
planning and the details. At others, "I can't wait to get it over with
and get on with my life!" says one.
There's a lot of ambivalence, and "all this internal conflict is causing
my anxiety to bring itself forward," she continues.
Each "anxious" bride also mentioned that sadness and fear were present
as well, but anxiety was the over-arching emotion. Anxiety is a
manifestation of fear. Think about your body's reaction to stress and
anxiety: racing heart, racing thoughts, shortness of breath. This is
how your body reacts when you're afraid.
So while you have the joyful, fun, difficult, sometimes tedious task of
planning a wedding, these deeper feelings of sadness and fear bubble up,
too. The result: an emotional stew of anxiety.
The take-away message of this survey
For most brides -- 88% -- engagement brings up difficult feelings,
psychological issues, and family and/or relationship problems. So take
some comfort in the fact that your difficult feelings are normal and
natural.
And, I'd argue, necessary. Why? By getting married, you are being
transformed -- your relationship to yourself and your identity, your
relationship to your family and to your friends, and your relationship
to your fiancé -- are all undergoing major changes. As a result,
you're making internal, psychological, and emotional shifts as well.
You are changing, and change is always challenging.
To top it all off, you're planning a wedding! If a wedding were in
fact just a big party -- as some people say it is -- then there would
not be all this emotional turmoil. The turmoil reflects the changes
you're going through.
In each Emotionally Engaged workshop, we delve into these deeper
issues that come up for 88% of brides -- why you have cold feet, what
you can do about family tensions, working through commitment issues
and more. We get not only to the "why" these feelings are happening,
but "how" these feelings are serving you individual self-development
and "how" these feelings are preparing you for marriage.
Let me help you be
Emotionally Engaged!
Call today for a FREE 15-MINUTE
CONSULTATION.
Allison Moir-Smith, MA
Emotionally Engaged
617-739-5353
|
Mothers & Daughters & Weddings
Calling
Off Your Wedding
Beach
Reads
for
Brides
|
|
Home
Workshops
Individual Sessions Engaged Couples
Brides' Comments
Free
Consultation We Get Press!
Links About Us
Contact Us
Emotionally Engaged
workshops & counseling for brides
Brookline, MA 617-739-5353
Email
|
|
|
