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Dad probably doesn’t know it
Most men aren’t taught how
to feel their feelings. Especially Dads, who are socialized to be The Rock of
the family. So Dads misbehave.
Feelings get acted out
weirdly
Most brides have Dad
stories. From these, I’ve created composites. Which is your Dad?
The Devoted Dad
understands that weddings signify that he is no longer the #1 man in his
daughter’s life, a position he’s held since the day she was born. A Devoted Dad
can grieve this loss and let his daughter go.
The
Checkbook-In-Hand Dad
tries to maintain his #1 position by sparing no expense. He’s trying to avoid
his loss by giving her everything she wants. Way beyond reason.
The
Denial Dad avoids
the reality that he’s losing his daughter. One bride who attended an
Emotionally Engaged workshop reported watching “Father Of The
Bride” with her parents. 15 minutes into the movie, Dad was snoring on the
couch. Watching Steve Martin was too close to home, so he checked out.
The
Meddling Dad
involves himself in tiny wedding decisions. He has an opinion about absolutely
everything. Why? By focusing on the details of the day, he’s found a way NOT to
feel the loss of his daughter.
The
Distant Dad is
disinterested in the details of the wedding, his daughter and/or her fiancé.
This Dad is in so much pain about the impending loss of his daughter that he
puts up a wall.
The
Deceased Dad is
simply not there. His daughter will have conflicting feelings of deep sadness
and raging anger that he’s missing yet another important event in her life.
Brides who have lost parents are amazed at the unexpected role grief plays in
their weddings
What kind of Dad do you have
right now?.
He’s
gotta feel it
Dad
needs to feel the loss because the reality is: you are leaving him. Let him be
distant, in denial, or too generous. It’s his weird way of dealing with his
sadness.
What
can you do?
Talk
with him about your feelings of loss and fear about leaving him. Maybe
he’ll open up. Or maybe not. He’s an old dog, and he doesn’t learn new
tricks. Especially how to feel and talk about feelings. Don’t force him.
Don’t fix him.
Be
patient with your Old Man. He’s has dreaded your wedding since the day you were
born.
My Meddling Dad said it
perfectly
After 11
½ months of sticking his nose into our wedding, he finally articulated what had
been going on. At the end of our walk down the aisle, he said, “She’s yours
now, Jason,” and sat down, sadly and heavily, beside my mother.
He was
100% right. Before the wedding, I was primarily his. Now, primarily, I am
another man’s wife.
That’s sad for our old Dads. We brides must be patient
with them as they get used to their position as #2.
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