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We Get Press!
TV
Appearances
TODAY, 5/1/05
Good Morning America,
5/1/05
Fox 25, 5/1/05
WB 11, 5/1/05
CTV
AM
(click to watch the interview!), 5/2/05
Magazines &
Newspapers
The Guilty Bride
by Rachael Combe, July 2004
Cosmo's Engagement Survival Guide
by
Daniella Brodsky, June 2004
Help For
The Harried Bride
by Gretchen
Voss, Fall/Winter 2003
Bridal Guide
Confident Bride:
Disaster Averted by Sherri Eisenberg, May/June 2005
Confident Bride:
Family Feuds by Rebecca Gardyn, March/April 2005
Confident Bride: The
7 Deadly Bridal Sins
by Denise Schipani, Jan/Feb 2005
FOXNEWS.com
Not Just Cold Feet: Weddings Go Wild!
by Catherine
Donaldson-Evans, 8/26/03
Improper Bostonian
Prenup Panic
by Jessica Iredale, 1/22/03
Wedding Goddess
a Spring 2005 book by interfaith minister
Laurie Sue Brockway
Conquering Cold Feet
by
Ed Symkus, February 10, 2005
Pittsburgh Tribune-Review
Experts give Georgia's runaway bride bride little sympathy, lots of advice
by
Luis Fabregas May
1, 2005
Brookline therapist takes the angst out of saying 'I do'
By
Ed Symkus/ SENIOR Staff Writer
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Brookline's
Allison Moir-Smith is a therapist who specializes in workshops for brides -
for the most part, nervous brides-to-be, those who aren't sure what they're
getting into. And she's just the right person to be running these
"Emotionally Engaged" workshops. She, too, was once one of those nervous
brides-to-be.
"When I got engaged, I was
34 years old," says Moir-Smith from her home office in Brookline. "I was
trained as a therapist and I was marrying a therapist. And I'd had plenty of
my own personal therapy. With all of that, I thought my engagement would be
a cakewalk emotionally."
She pauses and adds,
"It was anything but."
Most of her own
problems stemmed from her relationship with her mother during their planning
of the wedding. But after a while, she realized that her feelings weren't
coming from disagreements about the entree at the reception. They went
deeper.
Without naming the
specifics of her own situation, Moir-Smith discusses some of the topics that
come up in her workshops and in her individual bridal counseling sessions.
"I get 2,000 unique
visits on my Web site every month," she says. "And the most common term they
find me through is 'cold feet.' Something people don't expect is longing and
sadness and ambivalence about leaving your single life. It's about loss of
identity, and the end of an era. I've found that any unresolved issue in
your family tends to come up during your engagement. The cold feet part is a
metaphor for other specific issues. Cold feet is a disguise for something
else that's going on: dealing with your parents' divorce, a complicated
sibling relationship, it could be anything."
Moir-Smith is one of
two counselors in the country working with jittery brides (the other, of
course, is in California). After confronting and dealing with her own
thoughts, she got married in July 2002 and, with a master's degree in
counseling, opened for business two months later.
"I offer a six-session
package," she says of the workshops, "with a new topic every week. I also
counsel brides all over the U.S. and Canada, on the telephone. I've worked
with over a hundred in the last two years. And after the first year of
marriage, they might come in once or twice for tune-ups."
The main point of her
workshops and private sessions is to take away the stigma of being a sad
bride.
"I believe that during
your engagement, it's normal and natural and necessary to go through
feelings of cold feet and sadness and grief," she explains. "There are
different stages of being engaged. The first stage is ending your old life.
That usually ends two months to six weeks before the wedding. The, all of a
sudden you pop out of the grief and sadness, and you're in this joyful place
where you're ready to get married. You've made the psychological transition
from single to married. In another stage, you bridge into your new life."
All of that is followed
by a time of figuring out what it means to be married.
"And that," says
Moir-Smith, "lasts a good year or year and a half."
But what about
grooms-to-be? Do they also get cold feet? Are they good candidates for
counseling?
"I'd love to do that,"
she says. "But it's hard to get the men in. Some have come to a free
half-hour consultation - I offer that to everybody - and then they say
they'll call me back, but never do. What I'm finding is that women get cold
feetduring the engagement, but men get cold feet before theyask.They go
through all of their thinking processes: 'Do I want to marry her? Can I be
married? Can I make a lifetime commitment?' And once they ask, it seems like
that kind of thinking is over. They're committed, they're in. Whereas as
soon as women say, 'Yes, I'll marry you,' then they're thrown into this
tailspin of 'Can I make a lifetime commitment?'"
Moir-Smith is finishing
up a book on the subject, titled "Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to
Surviving the Ups and Downs of Getting Married," to be published by Penguin,
and hopes to use it as her main marketing tool.
And she's happy to
reveal how she got over her personal funk during her own pre-marriage
crisis.
"I went into the
feelings," she admits. "I'm a therapist, so I encourage people to explore
the feelings rather than try to shun them. So I let myself be a sad bride.
Ultimately my wedding was the happiest day, because I had processed all the
feelings I needed to process."
Allison Moir-Smith is
holding a special four-hour workshop titled "Emotionally Engaged: Beating
Cold Feet and Bridal Blues" on Saturday, March 5, from 1-5 p.m. The fee is
$99, and the session is limited to six brides. Call 617-739-5353 or visit
the Web site at emotionallyengaged.com.
Ed Symkus can be
reached at
esymkus@cnc.com.
The Guilty Bride
How can a girl raised to stand on her own two feet
learn how to stand by her man?
By Rachael Combe
Article excerpt:
"...In search of some answers, I called up
Allison Moir-Smith, a Brookline, Massachusetts, therapist who runs Emotionally
Engaged, a premarital counseling service for brides gone wild -- the cold of
foot, the sick of heart -- and described to her my own feelings of loss and
shame. "I see that with every bride I work with," she tells me. "We're the
third wave of feminism. We've all worked so hard to create a clear sense
of who were are independently, and then we embrace the entire traditional
package of not only marriage, but weddings and all the hoopla surrounding it,
and it's a jolt to our systems. We're angry at ourselves that we buy into
the commercialism, and we're sad that we're not 'better than that.'"
But, she says, the point of a wedding is precisely
that humbling effect -- that it brings you in touch with the aspects of
humankind that haven't changed much over the years. "It's personal, and
it's not personal," she says. "You're entering into something that's about
you and your fiance on one level, but it's also about this much larger
archetypal experience."
Further, all the moments of alienation from your
friends, family, fiance, and self are integral to that experience. "You
go
through the drama and the angst about the registry, the dress, but it's really
is never about the wedding details. It's about the psychological process
of leaving your old life and beginning this new life," she says. "It's a
time of connecting to yourself in ways that you couldn't if you just chose to
cohabitate for the rest of your life, because you have to engage with all these
problems of culture and history." Grappling with the wedding, she points
out, you are also forced to confront how you will maintain or reshape
traditional roles in your marriage.
[My fiance] and I made a solemn pledge as soon as we
got engaged: no wedding fights. We lasted barely two weeks before we
had a huge blowout about the engagement ring, followed by ones about the guest
list, the attendants, the honeymoon, the registry, the bachelor party, and most
recently, dance lessons. But through these arguments we've begun to figure
out who should take the lead in which areas, how we'll make financial decisions,
when to indulge each other and when to be tough. And we've learned what
our Achilles' heel as a couple is. As [he] puts it, "that you're psycho
and I'm lazy." Or in other words, the wedding is forcing us to figure out
how to create an equitable division of labor in which I don't feel like an
overwhelmed hausfrau and he doesn't feel like my indentured servant.
"There really aren't any rules in our generation," Moir-Smith says. "You
have to create your own marriage, and that takes a lot of imagination."
And negotiation.
For rest of article,
click here.
Cosmo's
Engagement Survival Guide
by Daniella Brodsky, June 2004
The day after a guy pops the
question are usually filled with more high-pitched squealing than a pig rodeo.
But once you've dialed up everyone in your Palm to brag, reality sets in.
"Many couples experience a wide range of emotions, from happiness to fear to
stress," says Allison Moir-Smith, a bridal counselor who runs the Emotionally
Engaged workshops in Brookline, Massachusetts. "Unfortunately, these
ups and downs can take a toll on the relationship. So we've outlined the
three phases of the engagement period and provided stay-tight tips to help you
both survive with your sanity intact.
First Phase: Aftershock
Okay, so you've flashed your
bling-bling at everyone you know (including that bitch who stole your prom
date). Now comes the scary part: the realization that you are about
to enter into a legally binding commitment with one man for the rest of your
life. It's enough to make any soon-to-be-bride freak. But wait:
According to Michael Cunningham, PhD, a professor of psychology at the
University of Louisville, this panic mode is perfectly normal. "The
enormity of the situation tends to hit women in the early stage of the
engagement. Men have usually thought it out before they got down on
one knee."
And if he's acting so damn breezy
about it that you'd think he just bought new socks, you might resent him.
"There's a misconception that you're supposed to be on cloud nine once you get
engaged," says Moir-Smith. "But many women experience a bit of emotional
numbness in that first month or two." Since you're afraid to admit to
others that you're not floating on air, you might take your frustration out on
him.
If this happens to you, remind
yourself that he didn't do anything wrong. Next, talk about your feelings
with your fiancé. "Have a discussion about what you both want from the
marriage, what will remain the same, and what will change," suggests Cunningham.
"Understanding what lies ahead will alleviate both your fears and bring you
closer. Obviously, you can't cover all the marital bases in one sitting,
so agree to address any issues as they come up over the next several months.
Second Phase: Overload
Once the wedding planning begins,
you and your man will quickly find yourselves into a vortex of stress and
drama. Whereas your Saturdays were once spent going to brunch and walking
the dog, now you're using that time to register for cheese graters and pick out
the perfect shade of mauve. As a result, the relationship can fall by the
wayside. "Suddenly, the focus is on event planning rather than each
other," says Cunningham. "With all the decision making going on and
constant demands from various people involved in the wedding, couples often find
themselves fighting." To keep tensions from flaring up, it's crucial that you
agree to maintain a united front with all third parties. "Whether you're
dealing with wedding planners or in-laws," says Cunningham, "acting as a team
will prevent any feuds between the two of you. Plus it will create a
partners-in-crime vibe that'll bring you even closer."
It's also important to take a
time-out from the stress. As Moir-Smith points out, "You're creating a
marriage, not just a wedding, and you need to get back in touch with that."
So come up with a ritual that's just about enjoying each other's company.
"Routinely sharing an activity helps you bond, and it'll give you a necessary
reprieve from all the wedding drama," says psychologist Dale Atkins, PhD, author
of the forthcoming Wedding Sanity Savers. It can be anything from hitting
the gym together to watching flicks on Friday nights to trying different ethnic
cuisine once a week.
And most important, you must
squeeze in time for sex. "Couples often find themselves too tired, distracted,
or busy to get it on in this stage of engagement," says Atkins. "But if
you don't make sex a priority now, you'll get into the habit of putting it on
the back burner." If your after-work schedules are jam-packed with wedding
planning or you're both exhausted by the end of the day, pencil in some a.m.
passion or try a lunch-hour lustfest.
Third Phase: The Freak-Out
If you survived the first two phases
with your love intact and minimal meltdowns, you might just coast through this
last stage and boogie down the aisle together in perfect bliss. But if
you're like a lot of brides-to-be, you may find yourself riddled with anxiety
about the smallest things in the last few weeks. "In this final stage,
many women obsess about the most minute details because they haven't done the
emotional homework to prepare themselves for the commitment they are about to
make," says Cunningham. If the choice between French tips and pale pink
polish is keeping you up at night, then you might need to get some perspective.
Take a step back and focus on what's really important: the bond between you and
your guy.
One final point: If the past
several months were filled with fighting, you might be afraid that the marriage
will just be more of the same. But that's not necessarily true. "The
engagement is one of the most stressful, difficult times in a relationship,"
says Cunningham. "It's more than likely that the marriage itself will be
much easier." Get back in touch with what made you fall in love in the
first place. Relieve the good times by going to the restaurant where you
had your first date or by simply recounting funny, memorable moments in your
relationship. If all goes well, you'll quickly remember why you said yes
to this man in the first place.
Help
For The Harried Bride
by Gretchen
Voss, Fall/Winter '03
For Melissa, it was the dress fitting and the
holidays. She had packed on a few extra pounds and, as she stood wrapped
in her wedding dress, she dissolved into tears. The stress of planning the
wedding and of feeling unsupported by her fiancé
with holiday logistics all came
to a head as she stared in the mirror.
For Elizabeth, it was the Christmas
and engagement parties. After being surrounded by friends and champagne
toasts, she started to cry on a long drive home. When asked what was wrong
by her fiancé, she told him that she couldn't stop thinking about college even
though the real issue was that she felt overwhelmed.
For Kelly, the tears came four
months after her engagement. Having crossed off much of her to-do list,
she felt isolated and alone.
All three women knew they needed help.
And they turned to Allison Moir-Smith, a therapist in Brookline who runs
Emotionally Engaged workshops for overwhelmed brides-to-be.
"There's a lot of tears," she says. "And a lot of relief."
Through various exercises, such as drawing
your family map, Moir-Smith helps brides who are grappling with a whole host of
issues. "Brides feel this alienation from themselves, like, who am I?
I used to be this single girl," she says. "Or, how can I move in with this
person when I've lived on my own for so long?"
Many times, the issues are unconscious, and
finding the root-cause of the stress and sadness can be truly transforming.
With Moir-Smith's help, all three women discovered that it wasn't the extra
pounds or the end of college that was bothering them, but the roiling cauldron
of emotions that comes with being engaged. As Kelly puts it, "devoting
time to understanding my own emotions, discovering my crazing feelings are
completely normal, and being able to talk to other women in the same situation
has helped me feel less isolated and more connected to my fiancé during our
engagement."
Improper Bostonian
Prenup Panic
by Jessica Iredale, 1/22/03
Many
know but few are willing to admit that wedding engagements aren't always a walk
in the park. Allison Moir-Smith is saying it loud and proud with the
introduction of her new workshop designed to put an end to the madness that can
overshadow the excitement of weddings.
"During my engagement, I
couldn't find anything to help me get through these weird feelings of confusion
about leaving my single life and what it meant to be a wife," she says. And so
was born the Emotions of Being Engaged: A Bride's Psychological Journey, a
workshop that tackles pushy parents and in-laws, marital expectations and cold
feet through discussion and hands-on exercises.
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