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5 Ways to Help a Friend with Cold Feet Before the Wedding

3/31/2014

3 Comments

 
5 ways to help a friend with cold feet before the wedding
When a friend confides in you that she has cold feet before her wedding, what's the most helpful way to respond?

First, show your friend that you can handle her complex and contradictory situation. Let her know through your words and actions that you can tolerate the discomfort, complexity, and sensitivity of her situation.

Don't say,"If you have any doubts, then you should call off your wedding," (Click to read my blog post on why it's so wrong.)  

Say that, and your friend will likely cross you off her list of confidantes. She may even stop talking with you about what's going on altogether and move on to a friend who won’t have such a strong opinion, be judgmental or tell her what she should do.

Here are 5 ways to help a friend with cold feet before his or her wedding:

1.  Don't judget

Your friend with cold feet is reluctant to share his feelings with anyone, fearing that if he does go through with the wedding, friends and family will be concerned about the foundation of their marriage or dislike his spouse. Your job is to demonstrate that you're on his team. Not to pass judgment or hold grudges in the event he does get married.

2.  Be a sounding board 

This isn't the venue for you to share your critiques or dislikes of your friend’s fiancé. Your job is to help her explore her own feelings. Don't jump on your friend's bandwagon, helping her add to the list of all the problems she has with her fiancé. Instead, mirror back to her what she is saying, so she can deepen her own understanding of her feelings. If she asks for your opinion, share your concerns if you have any, but tread lightly and carefully. Your friend feels incredibly vulnerable sharing all this with you, and whatever you say may likely make a huge impact – either on your friend and whether or not she goes through with this wedding, or on your friendship. Friends have a tremendous influence over one another so a lot will rest on how you respond to her during this time of cold feet.

3.  Keep your opinions to yourself

Your friend with cold feet has been keeping his worries, fears and doubts bottled up inside. Fearing judgment, he might spend weeks and months endlessly analyzing and worrying by himself, with little or no outlets beyond maybe writing in his journal. Don't be surprised when he starts talking and a torrent of negativity 
and stress pours out of him. Your job: just listen. Reflect back to them what he’s saying. Be a sounding board. Don't fix. Don't argue. Don't counter-argue. Don’t play the devil’s advocate.  Don't try to talk him into or out of anything. Just listen.

4.  Explore other sources of the cold feet

For many of the brides and grooms I’ve counseled over the last 12 years, THEY are the source of their own cold feet … but they don’t even know it! (It always looks like it's their significant others but they’re just lightening rods for their own worries and concerns.) Help your friend identify other possible stressors that might be contributing to his or her cold feet, like change of job, moving, moving in together, family stress (parents’ health issues, difficult family relationships, parents’ divorce, deceased parent), sadness about the end of single life, fear of growing up into full adulthood, fear of becoming a husband/wife. In my book, I explore how all these things can contribute to feelings of cold feet before the wedding.

5.  Express confidence in her ability to make a good decision and invite her to revisit this with you. 

Your friend with cold feet may be experiencing a real loss of confidence in herself and her ability to make decisions right now. Think about it this way: there was a proposal and an acceptance of that proposal, but now one or both of them can't stop second-guessing. That doesn't feel good at all. So help your buddy out: Make a quick list of other difficult things she's faced in her life, tough decisions she's made, hurdles she’s 
overcome. That will give her the confidence boost she needs to process her emotions and then make a sound decision. End the conversation with an open-ended invitation for more supportive, non-judgmental conversations in the future. Invite her to revisit all her concerns with you at a set future point in time.

Be the kind of friend that you’d want to have if you were going through your own cold feet.
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Keywords: #coldfeet, #coldfeetbride, #coldfeetgroom, #coldfeetwedding, #coldfeethelp
Allison Moir-Smith
3 Comments
Marianne Wood
4/30/2016 07:52:38 am

I am a soon-to-be mother in law reading EMOTIONALLY ENGAGED and taking good notes!! This is so important and explains what is GOING ON! Can you recommend a book or blog that will help equip ME to be the best I can be during this pre wedding time? The wedding is happening at our (the groom's) summer family home- so I have hostess PRESSURES to manage and want to BE PROACTIVELY helpful and not hurtful at every step!

Reply
Allison Moir-Smith link
5/5/2016 06:36:29 am

First of all, Marianne, your future daughter-in-law is lucky to have you!

In 14 years of doing this work, I've never had a future mother-in-law contact me. Way to go, and what an authentic way to start your time as family together.

Most resources for future mothers-in-law seem to focus on either a) the appropriate dress, b) how to know "your place" as MIL, and c) how to let go of your son. While that's all helpful to some degree, it doesn't get to the core issues for either you, or for her.

I'm glad you're finding Emotionally Engaged helpful -- and there are plenty of parental "don'ts" within those pages. :)

You are in a tricky position as future MIL and simultaneously wedding hostess. You all are getting a "crash course" in getting-to-know-you, since you're having so many interactions and making (expensive) decisions together.

I have experience with this, and have some thoughts on how to smooth the road a bit if you're interested in meeting with me just once for some tips and guidance. Feel free to be in touch.

Reply
Findom Utah link
1/24/2021 12:30:23 am

Thank youu for this

Reply



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