When a friend confides in you that she has cold feet before her wedding, what's the most helpful way to respond?
First, show your friend that you can handle her complex and contradictory situation. Let her know through your words and actions that you can tolerate the discomfort, complexity, and sensitivity of her situation.
Don't say,"If you have any doubts, then you should call off your wedding," (Click to read my blog post on why it's so wrong.)
Say that, and your friend will likely cross you off her list of confidantes. She may even stop talking with you about what's going on altogether and move on to a friend who won’t have such a strong opinion, be judgmental or tell her what she should do.
Here are 5 ways to help a friend with cold feet before his or her wedding:
First, show your friend that you can handle her complex and contradictory situation. Let her know through your words and actions that you can tolerate the discomfort, complexity, and sensitivity of her situation.
Don't say,"If you have any doubts, then you should call off your wedding," (Click to read my blog post on why it's so wrong.)
Say that, and your friend will likely cross you off her list of confidantes. She may even stop talking with you about what's going on altogether and move on to a friend who won’t have such a strong opinion, be judgmental or tell her what she should do.
Here are 5 ways to help a friend with cold feet before his or her wedding:
1. Don't judget
Your friend with cold feet is reluctant to share his feelings with anyone, fearing that if he does go through with the wedding, friends and family will be concerned about the foundation of their marriage or dislike his spouse. Your job is to demonstrate that you're on his team. Not to pass judgment or hold grudges in the event he does get married.
2. Be a sounding board
This isn't the venue for you to share your critiques or dislikes of your friend’s fiancé. Your job is to help her explore her own feelings. Don't jump on your friend's bandwagon, helping her add to the list of all the problems she has with her fiancé. Instead, mirror back to her what she is saying, so she can deepen her own understanding of her feelings. If she asks for your opinion, share your concerns if you have any, but tread lightly and carefully. Your friend feels incredibly vulnerable sharing all this with you, and whatever you say may likely make a huge impact – either on your friend and whether or not she goes through with this wedding, or on your friendship. Friends have a tremendous influence over one another so a lot will rest on how you respond to her during this time of cold feet.
3. Keep your opinions to yourself
Your friend with cold feet has been keeping his worries, fears and doubts bottled up inside. Fearing judgment, he might spend weeks and months endlessly analyzing and worrying by himself, with little or no outlets beyond maybe writing in his journal. Don't be surprised when he starts talking and a torrent of negativity
and stress pours out of him. Your job: just listen. Reflect back to them what he’s saying. Be a sounding board. Don't fix. Don't argue. Don't counter-argue. Don’t play the devil’s advocate. Don't try to talk him into or out of anything. Just listen.
and stress pours out of him. Your job: just listen. Reflect back to them what he’s saying. Be a sounding board. Don't fix. Don't argue. Don't counter-argue. Don’t play the devil’s advocate. Don't try to talk him into or out of anything. Just listen.
4. Explore other sources of the cold feet
For many of the brides and grooms I’ve counseled over the last 12 years, THEY are the source of their own cold feet … but they don’t even know it! (It always looks like it's their significant others but they’re just lightening rods for their own worries and concerns.) Help your friend identify other possible stressors that might be contributing to his or her cold feet, like change of job, moving, moving in together, family stress (parents’ health issues, difficult family relationships, parents’ divorce, deceased parent), sadness about the end of single life, fear of growing up into full adulthood, fear of becoming a husband/wife. In my book, I explore how all these things can contribute to feelings of cold feet before the wedding.
5. Express confidence in her ability to make a good decision and invite her to revisit this with you.
Your friend with cold feet may be experiencing a real loss of confidence in herself and her ability to make decisions right now. Think about it this way: there was a proposal and an acceptance of that proposal, but now one or both of them can't stop second-guessing. That doesn't feel good at all. So help your buddy out: Make a quick list of other difficult things she's faced in her life, tough decisions she's made, hurdles she’s
overcome. That will give her the confidence boost she needs to process her emotions and then make a sound decision. End the conversation with an open-ended invitation for more supportive, non-judgmental conversations in the future. Invite her to revisit all her concerns with you at a set future point in time.
Be the kind of friend that you’d want to have if you were going through your own cold feet.
overcome. That will give her the confidence boost she needs to process her emotions and then make a sound decision. End the conversation with an open-ended invitation for more supportive, non-judgmental conversations in the future. Invite her to revisit all her concerns with you at a set future point in time.
Be the kind of friend that you’d want to have if you were going through your own cold feet.
Keywords: #coldfeet, #coldfeetbride, #coldfeetgroom, #coldfeetwedding, #coldfeethelp
RSS Feed
