When a friend confides in you that she has cold feet before her wedding, what's the most helpful way to respond?

First, show your friend that you can handle her complex and contradictory situation. Let her know through your words and actions that you can tolerate the discomfort, complexity, and sensitivity of her situation.

Don't say,"If you have any doubts, then you should call off your wedding," (Click to read my blog post on why it's so wrong.)  

Say that, and your friend will likely cross you off her list of confidantes. She may even stop talking with you about what's going on altogether and move on to a friend who won’t have such a strong opinion, be judgmental or tell her what she should do.

Here are 5 ways to help a friend with cold feet before his or her wedding:

Yes, I work with grooms, too.  And love it.

It's rare find for a guy to seek out counseling before the wedding.

But it's a wonderful sign of his commitment to the marriage.  

It's a sign that he wants to really understand the complex feelings that his fiance is feeling.  He also who wants to understand what he's feeling...the surprising feelings of fear and sadness that often come up for the grooms, even though he's the one who got the ball rolling by proposing.

It can be confusing, for everyone getting married.

That's why I love this email I received from Ron -- a very manly man who fights forest fires for a living:

I encourage every bride I work with to have her fiance read at least some of my book -- at the very least, Chapter 1, my own personal crazy story of wedding stress turned to joy -- so he can get a better grasp from a third party...an expert...what's going on for her.

This email is proof that that tactic works.

Thanks, Ron!

As a bride in the process of making the huge psychological transition from single woman to married woman, you have a lot going on, emotionally.  

Having someone in your life to help you reflect upon and explore your feelings will be really helpful for you.

You need a compassionate ear.

Talking through your contradictory feelings of joy, excitement, sadness, and fear with a trusted friend or family member will help you gain deeper insight into your emotions.

It feels safer, too:  exploring difficult emotions is less frightening in the presence of an understanding listener.

Choosing the right person is key.

Select someone who is non-judgmental and patient, a person who can understand that you can be happy AND sad AND scared, all at the same time.

Your confidante's job is to help you explore your feelings and gain insight into why you might be feeling this way.

Their job is NOT to "solve" your problems, "fix" your feelings, or tell you that "you should be happy."  

(If you hear that, move on to another friend and try to accept that some people can't handle the emotional complexity of this "happy" time of your life.")

Don't ask your fiance.  

Your first instinct may be to have him play this role for you.  But he may not be the most objective sounding board in this situation.

Your roller coaster-like emotions may unnerve and upset him, causing him to react (or worse, overreact) to your normal and natural -- yet unsettling -- feelings.

You don't want to keep secrets from him, but you may want to put off sharing your deepest, darkest, rawest thoughts until after you've processed them.

Saying something like, "Just in case you've been feeling my distance recently, I want to share what I've been going through.  Don't worry: it has nothing to do with you or us or the wedding.  I've just been feeling sad about growing up and leaving my family.  Can I tell you more about it?"

This will keep the lines of communication open between you without threatening the relationship.

If you can't find a compassionate ear, seek out a therapist or mental-health worker.  Listening -- without judging or fixing -- is what we're trained to do.   It will be money well spent.

Your homework:  Identify the Compassionate Ears in your life, and make a date to see one of them. Get a real conversation going between you about what's REALLY going on for you.  You'll be amazed how unburdened you feel after just one cup of coffee or glass of wine together.

Do you read the "Modern Love" column in the SundayNew York Times?   

I know I should read International news or the Op-Eds first, but Modern Love is always one of the first pages I turn to. The personal essays are always so intimate and thoughtful. 

"Nursing a Wound in an Appropriate Setting," by Thomas Hooven ran last November.

It's his story about how his girlfriend of 12 years ended their relationship.... 3 weeks before the wedding.

It's a lovely, heartfelt description of heartbreak, recovery, and eventually finding the right love for himself.  

Hooven describes a key characteristic for a healthy relationship; he put it so beautifully, that I decided to make a video for you about it.   

Watch my YouTube video: "Is Your Relationship a Basketball or a Vase?"

Whether or not you walk down the aisle is entirely up to you.

For my part, I care about helping people make the best decisions they can about their upcoming weddings, whether it's calling it off or working through the feelings that cause them indecision.

I’ve been counseling brides and grooms with cold feet for more than 12 years, and I understand how difficult it is to have doubts and ask the hard questions.

Is it him? Her? You? The relationship? The wedding itself?

Untangling your feelings of cold feet before your wedding can sometimes seem like unraveling a complex knot.

It doesn't help when a well-meaning family member or friend who knows you are struggling and upset says, “If you have any doubts, you should just call it off.”

It only makes you feel worse.

Because it’s bad advice.

Here’s why:  

you’ll still have to make sense of WHY you called it off.  

For your own life narrative -- for your sense of who you are as a person -- you’ll need a clear understanding of why you canceled your wedding beyond It just didn't feel right.

To help you reach that clear understanding, I’ve created a 5-day cold feet email course to help you get to the root causes of your cold feet.  

Yes, you may ultimately determine that this man or woman  just isn't right for you.  But in my experience, that isn’t always the case.  And with a decision this big, it's wise to leave no stone unturned.

"Eight months before my wedding, I completely freaked out," wrote Ashley, a bride-to-be I'm working with right now. Her experience in bridal counseling has been so powerful that she wanted to share her story with brides everywhere.  She writes:

"Whenever anyone mentioned the wedding or my fiancé, my throat tightened. I'd get short of breath. My heart raced. I was scared.

Four months earlier, I happily said "yes!" to a wonderful man who understood me inside and out and was perfect on paper.  Before becoming engaged, I loved my relationship with my fiancé.  I loved him, felt lucky to be with him, and that we had such a special and magical relationship.

Now, I was questioning my decision to get married because I was no longer attracted to my fiance.  I felt we had lost our spark, and I was trying to talk myself into marrying him.   

I was so confused.  

I never imagined I'd have cold feet.  I thought cold feet only happened right before your wedding. 

It's normal for brides-to-be to experience times of uncertainty during their engagements.  Uncertainty about the relationship, the wedding, the guy.

It's normal, yes, but it's really upsetting and difficult, especially when everyone's expecting you to be only confident, sure, and 100% certain.

What can you do with your feelings of uncertainty?

This is what we'll discuss at this Wednesday's Google Hangout for Brides:  what uncertainty might mean, what it's purpose is and how to work through it.

9-10pm EST: I will moderate the conversation, keeping it focused on managing uncertainty.  I'll also lead you all in an exercise to help you deepen your understanding of what's going on.

I’ve worked intimately with brides since 2002, and I’ve identified 5 typical sources.

If you and your fiancé were planning your wedding in a vacuum, just the 2 of you, it would be a piece of cake:  You know what you like, you work together, you can deal with your budget.  But that’s not what's going on here.  Most brides have not one but 2 Moms inserting their strong opinions.  So decisions become a delicate diplomatic dance.   It’s tedious and exhausting, belaboring every detail.  

Solution:  You and your fiancé define for yourselves 3 non-negotiables each for your wedding – 3 things each you are unwilling to compromise on.  Make sure you get those things, done perfectly, and then be willing to be influenced on the rest.  Especially if parents are paying.

You go home with a husband with the power to make life-and-death decisions for you, a new branch on your family tree, and (possibly) a new last name.  Your wedding is NOT just a party.  

Solution:  Everything about your wedding feels overwrought and bigger than it should be because, well, it is.  For example, the stress you feel when you can’t find the right bridesmaids dress isn’t totally about the design and color of the dress.  Psychologically, you’re also working through how you’re going to “fit” all these important women into your new, unknown, married life with you.  Be aware of the deeper levels always going on. (Read also: Why it may be healthy to obsess about your wedding.)

You're coming face-to-face with the end of your single life and identity as a single woman; the end of your primary family identity being “daughter”; and the end of the simpler dating days of boyfriend and girlfriend.  Each of these endings can cause emotional turmoil as brides process their feelings about these major identity changes.  

Solution:  Give yourself time and space to just feel.  Reflect.  Journal.  Acknowledge the passing of time, the change in identity, the growing up that is going on.  Mourning is background music playing in your mind right now.  Let it become foreground music occasionally to work through it.

Bride S.C. from Australia, who worked through her engagement anxiety and engagement depression with me, here on her very happy wedding day.