Mothers of the bride.

Friends of the bride.

Sisters of the bride.

Many people find my website because they want to help the brides-to-be in their lives who seem to be struggling with some unruly, unexpected, and difficult emotions.

Friends, sisters, mothers -- I often get emails asking, "How can I best help this emotional bride that I love so much?"

It's a joyful, sunny day today here in Boston, with Meb Keflezighi of San Diego winning the Boston Marathon, the first American to win the race in 31 years.  

We watched it on TV, and I wept as he rounded the corner onto Boylston Street, all the way to the finish line.

What a sweet moment, day, event, and experience for all of New England to reclaim this event, in joy and in peace.

Last year's bombings and their aftermath have not been far from anyone's mind today, of course, and I was reminded of this post I wrote last year, one week after the marathon bombing in 2013.  The lessons of that extreme period of time still apply to all of our relationships, so I thought I'd repost it here today. 

Way to go MEB!

My family and I live 45 minutes north of Boston.

We were far enough away to be safe from the bombings and the manhunt, and we were close enough to be deeply affected.  

Friends and family were on lockdown last Friday. 

Brides and grooms that I work with were, too.  

My thoughts kept circling back to them:

How were they dealing, as a couple, under the extreme stress?

What was it like to be cooped up in their apartments under those terrifying circumstances?

Were they coming together?  Helping each other?  Comforting one another? Supporting each other? Were they connected, kind, sympathetic and gentle with each other?

Or did the stress of the situation expose cracks in their relationship?  Were they impatient, critical, unkind?
Did they flee to separate rooms to ride it out alone? 

What were they learning about each other's character during the lockdown?  Did they like what they saw and experienced...  or not?

Lockdowns don't happen every day in a marriage.  But you and your fiance will, in the course of your lifetime together, go through times of extreme stress.  

The question is:  Does extreme stress bring you together...or push you apart?  

Delighted to be included in "The Only Rule You Need To Follow When You Get Engaged" on TheStir!  Advice from yours truly on whom to contact first, and why.  And from Lizzie Post, co-author of Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette.

Some brides just can't wait to be the center of attention on their wedding days.  It's their time to shine, their dream come true.  They love the spotlight. They're  wired that way.

Maybe you're a really private person.
Maybe you're introverted.
Maybe you're downright shy.
Maybe you feel pressure to perform.

All eyes are on you, as you commit the intimate act of joining together for the rest of your lives.

You’re going to hear "don't be nervous" from everybody – your rabbi, your minister.  Your maid of honor, your bridesmaids.  Your Mom, your Dad.  Your wedding coordinator. Even those teeny tiny flower girls might tell you: “Don’t be nervous.”
 
Don’t be nervous?  Yeah, right.  Are they the ones wearing the big, white dress, with all eyes on them, about to make a lifelong decision?  We think not.

1.  It is the grandest of entrances.

2.  It is one of those Big Moments in life. 

3.  It is silent.

4.  It is ceremonial: your guests will stand to honor you.

5.  It is transformative: you are walking out of one stage of your life and into a new one.

6. It is unknown and unpredictable: you can try to anticipate how you’re going to feel, but in the moment, you can’t control it. (Nor should you, if you want to be authentic.)

7.  It is sad: just look at your wistful Mom and Dad.

8.  It is powerful and moving: just look at your choked-up fiancé.

9.  It is the most photographed walk of your life:  how odd it is to be the subject of paparazzos.

10.  It is nothing short of life changing and profound.

It’s OK to be nervous – got it? ​

1. You are not alone.  Whether or not you walk with your Dad, parents, or solo, you are not alone. You’ve surrounded yourself with your nearest and dearest.
 
2. It’s epic and ancient.  Think of the billions of brides who’ve come before you. You are walking in their footsteps. We think this is a pretty cool concept.
 
3. It’s a forgiving crowd.  Remember: you’re not giving work presentation in front of your cutthroat co-workers. Everyone in this crowd is so happy for you.
 
4. He’s waiting at the end of the aisle.  This wonderful man you’ve chosen, who’ll walk with you in life til the end of your days. 
 
5. This is what you want.  This man. This life.  This future.  It all begins now.  All you have to do is take that walk down the aisle.

Let me help you feel better prepared for your wedding day.  Schedule your consultation now.

When a friend tells you she (or he) is having cold feet before the wedding, what's the worst thing you can say?

"If you're having any doubts, 
you should call off your wedding."

Here's why it's so wrong:

1.  It's not helpful.  It's condescending and also stating the obvious.  (They've been down this road many times before in their own mind).  And your saying it out loud is just not helpful. In fact, it just makes them feel worse for struggling with their feelings.

2.  It's too simplistic.  True, it may be the guy or the girl they're about to marry who's not the right fit.  But there are many other possible sources of a bride or groom's cold feet -- family issues, fear of growing up into full adulthood, sadness about the end of single life. I've written a whole book about it.

3. It's alienating.  You're the one who's going to be alienated from his or her process of figuring it out if you make a bold suggestion like calling off the wedding. You've come across as judgmental and so have just made yourself an unsafe person to confide in.

Keywords: #coldfeet, #coldfeetwedding, #coldfeetgroom, #coldfeetbride, #coldfeetmarriage