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How NOT to Invite People To Your Wedding -- Thoughtfully

9/8/2023

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I'm honored to be included in this thoughtful, sensitive piece in Good Housekeeping by Dina Gachman, "I Didn't Invite My Sister to My Wedding." 

Please, please give ia read!

In Dina's case, her sister was an alcoholic, and she made the very painful and difficult -- but correct for her -- decision to not invite her to her wedding.  Dina shares how she came to that decision and how she had that difficult conversation.

In the Good Housekeeping article, other brides describe their experiences with not inviting close family members.

And I and NYC-based therapist Heather Coleman discuss the process and offer advice on the how-tos for having these very difficult conversations with your loved one, with both compassion and boundaries.

I think it will help anyone going through this gut-wreching process.

#difficultfamilymemberswedding  #weddingfamily #weddingalcoholicfamilymember #hownottoinvitefamilytowedding #weddingmentallyillfamilymember #weddingmentalhealth
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Low-Key Weddings:  The Emotional Benefits to Doing What You Want

5/18/2022

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Happy to be included in this Well + Good article, "Once A Pandemic Necessity, the Low-Key Wedding is Still Trending -- And Here's Why It Matters,"  by Erica Sloan. 

The pandemic upended expectations -- of everything.

And you can use that to your advantage, and create the wedding you ACTUALLY want.

Cross off that hideously long To-Do List that's provided by the wedding industry.   (It's intent, if you haven't figured it out already, is to buy more, more, more and spend more, more, more, on stuff you may not even care about.)

Let what remains on your To-Do List be only things that truly MATTER to you and your fiance.  Ditch the Jordan almonds at each place-setting -- unless Jordan almonds mean the world to you. Save the cash!

Skip the Hotel Welcome Bags and save big bucks. 

Think back to when you've been a wedding guest.  You arrive at the hotel, road- and travel-weary.  The check-in attendants hand you this pretty bag of information, bottled water, nuts and chocolate.  You collapse on your hotel-room bed, guzzle the water, devour the nuts, read the info, all in the first 5 minutes.  Did you savor the treats?  Enjoy them?  Meh.  Are they worth the money, time and effort?  

Is a wedding cake important to you? If not, have fun with something you love and  buy a simple one from the grocery store for 30 bucks so you can experience the tradition of cutting the cake, without having a dessert you don't care about.

These are little ideas, tweaks, mindset changes you can make to save money....and also to make your wedding more YOU.


Before plunging ahead with the wedding-industry-provided To-Do List, reflect on what's REALLY important to you and your fiance

And focus all your time, effort and money on what YOU value.
Ditch what you don't care about.

You will be happier.
And, after COVID, everyone will be just happy to be together to celebrate you.

#weddingplanning #simpleweddingplanning #weddingplanningtips #savemoneyweddingplanning #weddingpriorities
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Dear Newly Engaged Me:  COVID Edition

4/13/2021

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Here's a post written by a bride-to-be who was engaged throughout COVID.

This is what she would tell her Newly Engaged Self, if she knew what she knew now.

She wrote this for you, and she hopes it helps.

​She's getting married this month, April 2021.

Dear Newly Engaged Me: 

Prior to getting engaged, I assumed it would truly be the most magical, blissful day of my life.

I pictured the giddy feelings that I felt early on in my relationship would return, and I would feel so much peace knowing I had found “The One.”

Although my boyfriend and I had been together for 5 years, living together for one, and I had been sending him ring pictures for 6 months at this point....

I was still absolutely shocked when I saw him on one knee during our vacation in Thailand.

We had talked a lot about marriage and how we knew we wanted to be together forever often up until that point.

​But for me -- nothing could have prepared me for the feeling of someone all of a sudden asking me to promise the rest of my entire life to them FOREVER and having all of 5 seconds to respond with a confident and excited “YES!” I did say yes, and 

I did feel bits of excitement, but the overwhelming feeling almost instantly was fear.

 Am I ready to be a wife?

How do I KNOW that this is THE ONE for me?

What if I make the wrong decision?

Why am I feeling scared when everything I had seen from family, friends, social media, and the media has told me an engaged woman should be floating on cloud 9?

​​These questions didn’t leave my mind and made me physically ill for months.

I physically could not talk about anything engagement or wedding related without crying. 

The longer this went on, the longer I fixated on the question “if this was the right decision, then why am I feeling like this?”

After many nights spent Googling for guidance, I am so happy I found Emotionally Engaged and started working with Allison. 

That was the first time I felt like I wasn’t alone and that it can actually be really normal to be scared about making the biggest commitment and decision that you will ever make. ​

If I could go back to the day of my engagement and tell myself anything to prevent the 6 months of crying ahead of me it would be this:

1.  Do not compare your feelings or experience with engagement with anyone else’s. ​

Being a blissful bride is NOT a requirement to have a happy marriage.

​And ​emotionally struggling through your entire engagement does NOT mean you are doomed for divorce or making a mistake.
​

2. Do not make any big decisions out of fear, panic, or emotional distress. ​

There were so many times during the worst of my engagement anxiety that I thought I had no choice but to not move forward with the engagement because I felt so uneasy.

I just didn’t see how I was possibly EVER going to pick out a venue without crying, much less enjoy my wedding day.

As I sit here now -- a year later and one month away from my wedding -- I have smiled and laughed through wedding showers, tried on 50+ dresses because my mom and I were having so much fun, practiced my first dance with my fiancé in my kitchen, and I am so thankful I didn’t let unresolved fear/panic cause me to make a decision I would have regretted. 

3. Find someone you can talk to. ​

Being a sad/anxious bride can be a very isolating feeling.

I was terrified to be honest about how I was feeling with even my closest friends because I was scared they wouldn’t understand.

I was scared they would say “doubt means don’t.”

Once I found Allison, I could finally be honest with someone about everything I was feeling.

​Every time we talked it felt like I was carrying around one less 10 pound brick on my chest until finally I felt light enough to enjoy being engaged and could look forward to my wedding and marriage. 

I got engaged only a month before the world went into lockdown due to COVID-19. 

My fiancé and I both began working from home and have now been working from home together for over a year.

Being with someone literally 24/7 is hard.

Having prior routines/traditions suddenly halted is hard.

Feeling the daily fear of you and your families health and safety is hard.

Trying to plan a wedding during a time when gathering and touching is frowned upon/forbidden is FREAKING HARD.

​Give yourself extra grace.

Grieve this period in your life looking so much different than you had dreamed up.

I still have random moments where the magnitude of commitment of marriage will slap me in the face and I feel a little nervous, but I am so happy to say those moments are now rare and short lived.

After working with Allison I feel hopeful, understood, calm, and confident knowing that I am making a wise and loving decision.

I hope this letter helps anyone who felt like I did after getting engaged to know that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to go through the experience of being engaged. -- Blake.
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How to Feel Better About a Coronavirus-Canceled Wedding

4/7/2020

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I've heard so many sad stories about how coronavirus has impacted brides and wedding plans:
  • A picture-perfect, fully-paid-for April wedding canceled
  • A round-the-world month-long honeymoon scrapped
  • A Vegas bachelorette rescheduled -- shakily -- for June
  • A May 9 wedding rebooked for a random Sunday afternoon in November.

It's all so sad.  So disappointing.  So painful.

It's also so infuriating.  Financially devastating.  Unfair.

Crappy, cobbled-together, consolation-prize events are replacing the planned-for, dreamt-of, paid-for weddings

And yet.....

I've also witness some brides get to a place of being less caught up in the unfairness, despair and anger, and become able to deal head-on with the hard facts of this pandemic.  

I've seen brides, after going through an emotional process, be able to make difficult and painful decisions to reschedule weddings, honeymoons, and events.  And feel a bit better about the whole thing.

Yet some brides I've worked with have gotten to a place where they feel good and a bit of growing excitement about their re-conceived weddings.

How did they get there?

​They grieved. 

​We grieved together in our sessions.  And they grieved at home in quarantine, by talking with trusted friends, writing in their journals, and actually completing some of their wedding tasks and crafts.

I'm hesitant to streamline the wedding-grieving process into the classic Kubler-Ross 5 stages of grief.  But it offers a road map.

You first need to mourn your losses, in order to slowly get on board with any new plans you must make.  ​​
Let's use Kate's May 9 wedding as an example.
​

Denial:  As coronavirus grew in public awareness, Kate became more fully committed to her May 9 date. ​

There was no way she was going to cancel her May 9 wedding, because "only old men who were smokers in China" got the disease. Plus, there were only a few cases in the US, and none in her area. 

She kept checking in with her vendors, who were also still on board. She scoffed at anyone who floated the idea of rescheduling, and got angry at anyone who hinted they might not attend due to the virus. 

​She downplayed -- to herself and all others -- any info on how long or how severely coronavirus was going to impact daily life. (In fact, with the information we received from our government leadership, Kate was much like most of us, unable to conceive the full reality.)

Anger:  As the number of cases nationally began to increase, Kate started receiving calls from her mother-in-law-to-be, who lived on the opposite coast.

Kate got angry at her MIL and her fear of flying in June;  she was way overreacting, Kate thought. Her MIL seemed way out of line.   

When Kate's bridesmaids started hedging about whether they could attend,  Kate lashed out on text, hurt that they'd even consider not showing up -- because Kate showed up for them at their weddings. 

​Kate was prickly, angry, reactive, argumentative, getting in fights with anyone who wavered about attending her wedding.

Bargaining:  Kate spent the most time in this phase -- trying to figure out what compromises she could make to ensure her May 9  wedding would go on.

Every day, she tracked the number of cases in her wedding venue's county.  Her confidence about her wedding date sank and rose as the stats changed or remained steady. 

She decided she'd be semi-OK if her elderly grandma didn't attend. 

She played with scaling the wedding way down to just 10 of her family members --  all other 110 guests could Zoom in -- so that she could abide by the "no more than 10 people" gathering rule.

She drove herself a bit batty, doing creative and intellectual backflips trying to make it work. 

​Her May 9 wedding was becoming a ghostly version of her initial vision that she'd planned for over one year.

Depression.   After her repeated failures to keep her May 9 wedding on life-support, Kate's exhaustion helped her face the harsh facts. ​

May 9, in her area, was a complete no-go.  No vendors would work.  Her inlaws wouldn't fly.  Her grandma was sick.  Her "10 people" were no longer willing to gather anywhere, even outside, standing 6 feet apart. 

She just couldn't have her May 9 date.  This was her brutal truth.  

This was when our work -- Kate's and mine -- became really active and alive.  Before Kate could get OK with whatever plan she would eventually make -- she called it "my half-assed, consolation-prize wedding" -- she had to grieve her May 9 wedding.

How did she do that? Kate and I met on video 3 times in 3 weeks.  With me, she had the space and time to devote to her Wedding That Wouldn't Be.  

I asked her to tell me everything -- everything -- that she was sad to not see come to fruition.  Her hairstyle and makeup.  The taste of her signature cocktail.  The first look with her about-to-be husband.  Walking down the aisle with her parents, in the late afternoon May sun, at her venue.   

Kate's heart was broken that these things weren't going to happen as she'd been envisioning for a year.  With me, Kate cried and cried, as I asked her to go deeper, to share with me the fantasies she'd had, the hours, days, and weeks of work she'd put into her wedding, the special surprises and joys she'd had along the way, and the pain of not seeing them realized.  

I gave her homework of laying out the seating chart for her May 9 wedding.  Maybe that sounds crazy, making a seating chart for a wedding that wasn't going to happen.  But for Kate, it was a way of helping her wedding become more real -- and thereby more real to mourn.  

I asked her to complete some of her wedding crafts, and in the hours of tying bows and doing crafts, really sit in the sadness and the pain and the loss.  I had Kate wear her wedding shoes to a session.  

My goal was to help bring Kate's wedding more alive, so that she could feel more intensely the pain of losing that May 9 date. 

It may sound counter-intuitive, but by directly acknowledging all those tiny details that would not occur on May 9, by describing them to me, Kate could feel the pain of the loss and, in time, say goodbye to the May 9 date.   

This time of grieving, loss and deep pain lasted for about three weeks for Kate. It was a time of lots of tears and time writing in her journal.  It wasn't easy, it was highly emotional, but it worked for Kate.

Acceptance.  Slowly, after about 3 weeks, the grief moved off, became less central, and Kate began to see new possibilities.

She began to feel a bit better about her wedding, now rescheduled to November.  Kate hates November -- it's grey and grim, weatherwise, where she lives.  

But having slowly, over the course of 3 weeks,  actively mourned the May wedding, Kate began to see possibilities for her November wedding. 

Directly confronting the loss of her dream wedding date, she was able to get her mind and heart around her new wedding date. 

And she began to re-vision her November wedding, scaling back in some ways (she cut the guest list of anybody she didn't truly care about), and magnifying in others. 

The ceremony and the band became even more important, in her priorities.  (Bonus: Her dream band was available and much cheaper in November.) 

​She began to have fun on Pinterest, playing around with autumn-themed favors, and in the quiet of quarantine, experimented with some prototypes.  

It's not perfect, by any means.  This was never her dream date or dream wedding plan.

But Kate has moved out of the anguish, pain, bargaining and indecision. 

​She's now able to look forward to her wedding -- her edited wedding, emphasizing those things that are truly important to her -- with a calmer heart.  

I encouraged Kate to not expect herself to be jumping up and down about her November wedding for a while.  We're in the scary unknown of coronavirus. 

​In this time of anxiety, it's unrealistic to be full-throttle enthusiastic. That's a bit too much to ask of yourself, or of anyone at this time.

Success, in this coronavirus time, is moving out of the anguish of canceling your wedding and becoming OK with whatever new plans you have to make.

When things feel safer and more stable in the world, your excitement will grow.


Would you like help to shift from anguishing over your canceled wedding to feeling OK?  Contact me for a free 15-min Zoom consultation.  ​

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Wedding Bereavement Group:  Did you cancel your wedding because of coronavirus?

3/24/2020

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To some in this time of coronavirus, the idea of a Wedding Bereavement Group may seem like an inappropriate response to a global pandemic.

To brides I'm meeting with -- who have canceled completely paid-for weddings, April and May weddings, 'round-the-world honeymoons, and bachelorette parties in Miami Beach -- the opportunity to share the experience with others who really get it sounds like a relief.

Sharing with other women who feel your specific pain, loss, anger and unfairness may be very comforting

It's an opportunity to feel deeply understood.  To have your pain acknowledged and shared and empathized with...because the women you'll meet are feeling the same thing.
​

Each bride will get 5 minutes to share her story, with discussion to follow

I also ask that each bride comes prepared to describe one detail -- the first dance you went to lessons for, the walk down the aisle, the getting dressed with your bridesmaids -- the one detail that breaks your heart to miss out on.  Share it with us -- we want to know.
Who:  You, if you've had to cancel or change any wedding plans

What:  90-minute Zoom meeting

When:  Friday, April 3 at 3pm Eastern

How Much: FREE, this first time, to see if it's helpful. 
 
Limited to 10 brides

To Register:  email me: allison@emotionallyengaged.com

Don't be shy about signing up -- because if nobody else does, you get a free session with me.  I'll be on Zoom, no matter what!  ​

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The 3 Words Brides Need to Hear During Coronavirus

3/17/2020

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You are dealing with something no bride has faced in 102 years

Since the Spanish flu of 1918.

​No one alive on the planet has had to cancel their weddings due to a pandemic of this scale before.

It's crazy.

It's not fair what's happened during your engagement
Picture
So. Not. Fair.  

We all feel that for you. 

​There’s a place in everyone’s heart for brides whose wedding plans have been destroyed by coronavirus.  

When we imagine walking in your shoes right now -- canceling weddings and letting go of long-dreamed-of plans – our hearts break for you.  Don’t forget that.

You are the most brokenhearted, of course

Which is why the three words you need to hear most right now are, “I’m so sorry.”
​
Unfortunately, you're not hearing that enough right now.  

In the past week, I’ve met with brides from Australia to Dublin to Chicago.

They've canceled fully-paid-for weddings. 

They've canceled month-long, once-in-a-lifetime ‘round-the-world honeymoons.

And they've canceled bachelorette parties in Miami. 

​Late spring and summer brides have had their plans thrown into unknown disarray.

All are feeling intense sadness, anger, unfairness, powerlessness, anxiety and hurt  ​

All are feeling alone and misunderstood in their pain.  

​All need compassion and a place to vent and rage and make sense of what has happened to your plans and dreams.
​
Yet they aren’t finding as much kindness as they need.

They receive flippant texts

Texts reading: “So sorry – I know you’ll figure it out for the summer, when this is over!” 

Or “OMG, I feel so bad for you! What are you going to do?” Which makes them feel pressured to be  happy about whatever cobbled-together, half-assed, consolation-prize wedding they might end up with.

Or they beat themselves up, thinking, ‘People are dying; I feel selfish for even feeling bad about this.’

Can you relate?

You're all suffering grief and anger and disappointment.

You may be hiding the depths of your disappointment from others.

Yet I've seen before my eyes on video, my simply saying “I’m so, so sorry,” has helped each woman I spoke with deal a little bit better with her sadness, anger, disappointment and overwhelm. 

Having the pain acknowledged and authentically seen has helped them feel less alone, more understood.

Hearing the genuine “I’m so, so sorry,” helped them start to grieve their beautiful wedding plans 

Their money lost.  Their wedding dreams destroyed.

Being asked in detail what they’re most sad about helped them start to name the losses.

Sharing the deep disappointment made it a bit more bearable.
​
Really, what else is there to say to a bride who canceled her wedding because of coronavirus?

Ask the people in your life to do these 3 things:

1.  Say, "I'm so sorry this happened to you," with a calm, compassionate, open and broken heart.

2.  Repeat it often.

3.  Then shut up and listen.

This is the first in a series of posts for brides in the era of coronavirus.  

​Other topics to come: 
 
Why You’ve Got To Mourn Your Canceled Wedding and Engagement Plans

How to Mourn Your Canceled Wedding and Engagement Plans

Are there other aspects of being a bride during coronavirus you'd like me to address? 

​Send me a note! Or leave a comment below. 
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To Newly Engaged and Freaking Out: I'm Working Mon, Dec 30

12/27/2019

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If you got engaged over Christmas and are freaking out, please explore my site, check out my video series and know that I'm available for a FREE 15-minute video consultation on Monday, December 30. First come, first served!

Sign up for your free consultation by completing this form.

I'm here to help!
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Featured in the New York Times: "Why Stress When You Can See A Wedding Therapist"

12/8/2019

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You are not alone, if you've found this site and are wanting help with your wedding stress.

Here's a whole article in today's New York Times:  Why Stress When You Can See a Wedding Therapist.

It's always an honor to be in the paper of record!
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"I was able to focus on the true meaning of my wedding day, not my anxiety."

10/1/2019

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Picture
A recent note from a bride:

Thank you so much for helping me work through the transition of single to married woman.

I acknowledge that Alex and I would not be where we are today if it wasn't for your support throughout the year and months before the wedding in May.

Going into my wedding day with such a clear and calm mind -- despite the normal exhaustion :) -- allowed me to be fully present and help me to focus on the true meaning of the day, rather than my anxiety.

I really cannot thank you enough for all that you've done (and continue to do) to prepare me for this marriage.

Thank you!!!
Jenny
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Comparing Your Relationship

3/25/2019

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We all compare our relationships – even when we know it’s not good for us. 

We judge our own relationships against, well, basically every other couple that walks the earth, wondering if they are more in love/have better sex/are better friends/are more compatible/have what it takes to last for a lifetime.  

The comparisons go on and on and on. Endlessly.

Who do you compare your relationship to?

Your annoying Facebook friend with her perfectly curated marriage (“My husband brought me flowers again, third time this week!!!”)? 

The perfectly athletic blonde-and-blue-eyed couple next door? 

​Harry and Megan?

There's one comparison you're constantly making -- and you don't even know it.


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