Category: Book To Blog

Book to Blog, Chapter 9: After the Wedding -- Honeymoon and First Year

9/26/2014

Chapter 9 of Emotionally Engaged addresses what comes after the wedding day: married life.
The wedding you have planned and stressed over for months and months has come..and soon gone.

For many brides the first few days of the honeymoon are romantic, relaxing, and a needed return to a more slow-paced lifestyle.

But then they begin to wonder...

Am I being romantic enough?

Should we be having great sex everyday?

Are our conversations as deep and meaningful as they should be?

Below I have included a portion of the chapter that dives into the feeling of coming home from the honeymoon, and into the newly-wedded life.

Emotionally Engaged Chapter 9, Honeymoon and first year of marriage

The Newlywed Cocoon

In my experience, many newlyweds feel conflicted about coming home from their honeymoons.
On one hand, they’re eager and excited to get home and settle into married life.

On the other, after being the bride and groom, up on a pedestal and at the center of attention for so many months, it can feel anticlimactic to unpack your bags, watch your tans fade, and get back to humdrum everyday life.

Some newlyweds even go through wedding withdrawal; post-wedding life can seem flat, dull, and empty.

After months of filling every spare second stressing about the wedding, checking off the to-do-list, or going to parties thrown in your honor, many newlyweds find themselves staring at each other, thinking, “Okay, what do we do now?”

Click here to find out more of what Chapter 9 holds!

Please share your thoughts in the comments below, and stay tuned for next week’s installment of ‘Book to Blog’ – Chapter 10!

Allison Moir-Smith

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Book to Blog, Chapter 8: The Big Day -- Being an Emotionally Engaged Bride

9/19/2014

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Chapter 8 of my book focuses on the Big Day itself – the walk down the aisle, the ceremony, the day you become a wife.

Often brides try and plan every detail of the day – not just the venue, date, and food but also the actual emotions they will feel:

I will be an anxious wreck walking down the aisle.

My tough-guy fiancé will shed a tear when he sees me in my dress.

My mother will be overly dramatic about...everything.

Below I have included a portion of the chapter that tells the story of Sarah, a bride who almost convinced herself into negative feelings but was able to simply ... feel.

Emotionally Engaged Chapter 8: The Big Day

"It absolutely is the biggest walk of your life," I said to her

"My question to you, however, is this: How do you know – today, two weeks before your wedding – that you’ll be a nervous wreck walking down the aisle fourteen days from now?”

“I don’t,” she relied. “But I’m pretty sure I’m going to be anxious.”

“Okay, but you can’t be certain,” I told her. “What if, instead of convincing yourself that you’ll be nervous just before your ceremony, you tell yourself that you will simply be curious about what you’re feeling?

What if you make a conscious effort to let in whatever feelings arise, let them course through your body and your mind? What if you treat the feelings you have when you walk down the aisle the same way you did when you were stuffing the envelopes?

That day, you let yourself feel the pang of sadness about leaving your family, but then a feeling of happiness about marrying Jake quickly followed. Remember that? What if you let one feeling flow through to the next, and let yourself be where you are?”

Click here to find out more of what Chapter 8 holds!

Please share your thoughts in the comments below, and stay tuned for next week’s installment of ‘Book to Blog’ – Chapter 9!

Allison Moir-Smith

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Book to Blog, Chapter 7: Crossing the Bridge -- Your New Life Takes Shape

9/12/2014

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Chapter 7 begins the second stage of my book: Beidging.

In Bridging, brides start to look into their futures with happiness and excitement rather than with the anxiety that was so present earlier on.

This is the time when, finally, brides feel ready to cross the bridge into their new identity as a married woman.

Below I have included a snippet of the chapter that I think will speak most clearly to brides, and give them hope that ... all gets better in time.

Looking forward, not back

Many brides-to-be describe their transitions out of the Ending stage and into the Bridging stage of their engagements like a fog finally lifting.
For the early months of their engagement, they walked around consumed by feelings of loss and disorientation as they let go of old ways of being.

They felt that the confusion would never end. They’ve been afraid that they’d be in a down, depressed funk on their wedding day, and that they’d never feel happy or excited about getting married, even though, deep down, they trusted that that was what they wanted to do.

As the wedding approaches , joyful anticipation creeps back in

Once you enter the Bridging stage, you will have made the internal psychological adjustments necessary to begin you new life as a married woman...

Click here to find out more of what Chapter 7 holds!

Please share your thoughts in the comments below, and stay tuned for next week’s installment of ‘Book to Blog’ – Chapter 8!

Allison Moir-Smith

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Book to Blog, Chapter 6: The Girls -- Keeping Your Single Girlfriends Close

9/5/2014

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In Chapter 6 of Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the "Happiest" Time of Her Life I discuss the chill that can descend on warm friendships after your engagement.

While your relationships with married friends may go unaffected, often it is the single friends that distance themselves.

They begin to feel replaced by your fiancé. Your Mr. Right scares them into thinking they may possibly never find theirs...

Below I have included a small portion of the chapter that tells Pauline’s story. A bride, who many times had been a bridesmaid, keenly aware of the sensitivity her friends needed.

Four friends, four different outcomes

Lucky for Pauline, Gina was the type of person who put her feelings on the table.

“I’m so happy for you, Pauline,” Gina volunteered just fays after Pauline got engaged. "And I hope it’s okay to tell you this, but watching you find Mr. Right just makes me worry about myself, you know?”

With Gina, Pauline had it easy, because Gina was able to separate her own feelings into two categories: sad for herself, and happy for Pauline.

Gina didn’t shy away from her feelings of sadness; she didn’t push the sadness away because it was real for her.

And voicing her sadness – expressing and sharing it with Pauline—was essential because it made their interactions real and honest.

Both Gina, and Pauline knew where the other stood, how the other felt, and how the other valued the friendship.

Click here to find out more of what Chapter 6 holds!

Please share your thoughts in the comments below, and stay tuned for next week’s installment of ‘Book to Blog’ – Chapter 7!

Allison Moir-Smith

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Book to Blog, Chapter 5: From "Me" to "We" -- The Private Lives of Engaged Couples

8/29/2014

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Chapter 5 of Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the "Happiest" Time of Her Life addresses the fact that once your big day arrives, you are officially a ‘We’ instead of a ‘Me’. And that, for any bride, can be hard to swallow.

Although engagements bring excitement, gifts, and endless parties ... there is a lot going on behind closed doors for engaged couples.

How do we deal with our differences?
Will he judge me when my flaws are exposed?
Do we even know how to be married?

These are big questions that most couples face and work through during their engagements....privately. Intimately. Behind closed doors.

Below I have included a portion of the chapter that hones in on some of the differences that can emerge.

Dueling through differences

Even couples who think they’ve covered all the essential topics before getting engaged are often broadsided by the differences that emerge once the “rest of my life” soundtrack switches on.

She’s a huge environmentalist; he’s not really that passionate about recycling.

He feels a much greater pull to his Jewish roots than he expected; she thought he was "spiritual but not religious."

He likes crunchy peanut butter; she likes creamy.

During your engagement, you may discover opinions,
habits, or values that you hadn’t seen before

The fact is, whoever you marry will be very different from you.

You can either accept who he is, and learn how to live with your differences, or you can argue your point until you’re blue in the fact about the rightness or wrongness of black leather furniture.

In short, you can choose to keep fighting about a problem that has no solution, or you can learn how to live with your differences.

Click here to find out more of what Chapter 5 holds!

Please share your thoughts in the comments below, and stay tuned for next week’s installment of ‘Book to Blog’ – Chapter 6!

Allison Moir-Smith

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Book to Blog, Chapter 4: A Family Affair -- Leaving Home for Good

8/22/2014

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Emotionally Engaged Book to Blog Chapter 4

Chapter 4 dives into the concept of family, and how certain roles and relationships may be altered during the length of the engagement, and ultimately in married life.

From the mothers who insist on taking on the wedding-planning-role, to siblings refusing to build a relationship with the fiancé – it can be a hectic, overwhelming time.

I share stories of brides who each had different experiences, but all eventually had to face what was really going on beneath the surface.

Below I have included a portion of Maria’s story.

With only five months until her
wedding, Maria only had one thing nailed down: her dress

Somewhere between getting engaged, and desperately trying to keep playing her role of the peacemaker of the family, Maria forgot about one person – herself.

Letting go of your family role

We all play roles within our families of origin; fulfilling our family's needs is one way we get love and attention.

In Maria’s warring family, for example, someone needed to play the role of peacemaker. Her parents and siblings obviously couldn’t do it, since they were combatants, so she was inevitably cast in the part.

Playing that role fulfilled both her need to feel appreciated by each family member and her family’s need for a calming presence....

Getting married is one of those times when it is necessary to shed some of your old ways

So that you can embrace new ways of being.

Maria, for example, wanted to be fully and wholeheartedly married to Jeff. She wanted to expand her self-image to include the role of wife.

She wanted to de-emphasize her role as peacemaker

She would always be there for her family in some capacity to offer them love and support, but she was tired of refereeing squabbles and ready to live more for herself and her husband-to-be.

She wanted to devote time to building her new, married life and the foundation of her new family

This required a major change not only in her perspective, but in her behavior as well.

Click here to find out more of what Chapter 4 holds!

Please share your thoughts in the comments below, and stay tuned for next week’s installment of ‘Book to Blog’ – Chapter 5!

Allison Moir-Smith

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Book to Blog, Chapter 3: The Last First Kiss -- Grieving the End of Your Single Life

8/14/2014

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Grieving the End of Your Single Life, Emotionally Engaged Chapter 2

In chapter three I address the emotions that surface when facing the idea of the end of "single you."

Though the time of being engaged can be an exciting whirlwind for brides, it also can feel... lonely.

Lonely because you feel you may lose some degree of intimacy with your single girlfriends.

Lonely because your identity is going from career-woman to wife.

Lonely because you are trying to adjust to whole new YOU

Below I have included an excerpt from the chapter that dives into the concept of moving out of your place, and into your fiancés (or vice-a-versa) and the emotions that may come along with now sharing one of the most personal things – a home.

Moving has never been a major trauma for Pauline

In fact, she was that rare bird who actually enjoyed the process of searching for the perfect apartment, packing up her belongings, and starting new. It had always been more of an adventure than a source of stress for Pauline.

Until she packed to move into her fiancés apartment

This move was unlike all the others.

“I had a very keen awareness that I would be unpacking my boxes as a married person, and that alone was enough to send me off the deep end,” said Pauline.

For Pauline, the line between single life and married life was very distinct.

She’d never lived with a guy before, so she was crossing over that line into marriage.

“No longer would I be single,” she remembers thinking as she packed. “My life would be entwined with somebody else’s.

"I could no longer make decisions that affected only me"

I was anticipating having somebody around all the time.

It was a lot to get used to.”

Click here to find out more of what Chapter 3 holds!

Please share your thoughts in the comments below, and stay tuned for next week’s installment of "Book to Blog" – Chapter 4!

Allison Moir-Smith

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Book to Blog, Chapter 2: The Fantasy vs. the Reality of Being Engaged -- Wedding Myths Debunked!

8/8/2014

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In Chapter Two of Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the "Happiest" Time of Her Life, I share the story of Erica, a bride whose engagement turned out to be the opposite of the fantasy she had always envisioned.

In order for a bride to best understand that all the emotions and anxieties she is feeling are actually normal -- and even necessary -- I discuss and debunk the most common wedding myths.

Below I have included a snippet of my favorite myth ... debunked!

Emotionally Engaged Chapter 2 Wedding Myths Debunked

Fantasy: Your engagement will be romance 24/7

Reality: This is a romantic time of life – choosing a ring, planning your dream wedding, imagining the future stretched out before you.

But it’s a stressful time for your relationship with your fiancé as well. Many engaged couples report more fighting and less sex, most uncertainty and less fun.

Many engaged couples report more fighting and less sex, most uncertainty and less fun

Why?: Because your relationship has taken on a new seriousness and permanence, and that is just plain scary.

What’s more, your relationship -- once intensely private -- has now becomes public property.

Everyone feels compelled to comment on whether or not you’re a good match.

Your nosy (and tactless) Aunt Janice may shamelessly inquire, “Will he be able to provide for you in the manner to which you are accustomed, dear?” (That sure didn’t happen when you were dating.)

On top of that, all eyes are on you to plan the perfect wedding ....

Click here to find out more of what Chapter 2 holds!

Please share your thoughts in the comments below, and stay tuned for next week’s installment of "Book to Blog" Chapter 3!

Allison Moir-Smith

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Book to Blog, Chapter 1: The Happiest Time of My Life? Yeah, Right.

7/31/2014

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Emotionally Engaged Book to Blog Chapter 1

In Chapter I of Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the "Happiest" Time of Her Life, I disclose details on my relationship, engagement, and ultimately my wedding.

By putting my personal story in the first couple of pages of the book, I was hoping to speak directly to the reader, and somehow say "I’ve been where you are."

Below are a few snippets from the chapter that embody my message, my honesty, and my truth.

More than two million brides

During my engagement, I learned how to turn my conflicting emotions into important personal growth. I wanted to help other brides-to-be do the same.

So a few months after our wedding, I founded Emotionally Engaged Counseling for Brides and focused my psychotherapy practice solely on brides-to-be.

I took a chance, starting my practice for brides with this premise:

If I felt that discombobulated during my engagement, some of the 2.3 million American brides might too

Either that, or I was one in 2.3 million and a complete freak.

Most brides attended my workshops hoping to learn how to eliminate their negative feelings

They were afraid to give in to their sadness and fear, thinking that once they turned on the faucet, they’d never be able to shut it off.

In reality, emotions work the opposite way.

When strong emotions are not felt, they grow in power and intensity

When they are felt, the sadness and fear pass through your system. Facing and feeling negative emotions can have a cathartic effect. It cleans house of the fear and sadness, doubt and worry, and makes room once again for positive feelings of joy, excitement, and happiness.

Click here to find out more of what Chapter 1 holds

Please share your thoughts in the comments below, and stay tuned for next week’s installment of "Book to Blog: Chapter 2"!

Allison Moir-Smith

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The Newlywed Cocoon

"It absolutely is the biggest walk of your life," I said to her

Looking forward, not back

As the wedding approaches , joyful anticipation creeps back in

Four friends, four different outcomes

Dueling through differences

During your engagement, you may discover opinions, habits, or values that you hadn’t seen before

With only five months until her wedding, Maria only had one thing nailed down: her dress

Letting go of your family role

Getting married is one of those times when it is necessary to shed some of your old ways

She wanted to de-emphasize her role as peacemaker

She wanted to devote time to building her new, married life and the foundation of her new family

Lonely because you are trying to adjust to whole new YOU

Moving has never been a major trauma for Pauline

Until she packed to move into her fiancés apartment

For Pauline, the line between single life and married life was very distinct.

"I could no longer make decisions that affected only me"

Fantasy: Your engagement will be romance 24/7

Many engaged couples report more fighting and less sex, most uncertainty and less fun

More than two million brides

If I felt that discombobulated during my engagement, some of the 2.3 million American brides might too

Most brides attended my workshops hoping to learn how to eliminate their negative feelings

When strong emotions are not felt, they grow in power and intensity

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During your engagement, you may discover opinions,
habits, or values that you hadn’t seen before

With only five months until her
wedding, Maria only had one thing nailed down: her dress