A recent note from a bride:

Thank you so much for helping me work through the transition of single to married woman.

I acknowledge that Alex and I would not be where we are today if it wasn't for your support throughout the year and months before the wedding in May.

Going into my wedding day with such a clear and calm mind -- despite the normal exhaustion :) -- allowed me to be fully present and help me to focus on the true meaning of the day, rather than my anxiety.

I really cannot thank you enough for all that you've done (and continue to do) to prepare me for this marriage.

Thank you!!!
Jenny

It was great to be able to say out loud some of the less than positive feelings about being engaged/ planning a wedding and not have anyone think that it meant something was wrong with the relationship. 

It seems that the only negative feelings around weddings that are publicly acceptable are those around the stress of finding the right venue, or photographer, or dress. 

It was great to be able to hear other women talk about the emotional changes, family changes, etc.

I've already signed up for the next one. Thanks so much!" -- Alice

In Chapter I of Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the "Happiest" Time of Her Life, I disclose details on my relationship, engagement, and ultimately my wedding. 

By putting my personal story in the first couple of pages of the book, I was hoping to speak directly to the reader, and somehow say "I’ve been where you are." 

Below are a few snippets from the chapter that embody my message, my honesty, and my truth. 

During my engagement,  I learned how to turn my conflicting emotions into important personal growth. I wanted to help other brides-to-be do the same. 

So a few months after our wedding, I founded Emotionally Engaged Counseling for Brides and focused my psychotherapy practice solely on brides-to-be. 

I took a chance, starting my practice for brides with this premise:

Either that, or I was one in 2.3 million and a complete freak. 

They were afraid to give in to their sadness and fear, thinking  that once they turned on the faucet, they’d never be able to shut it off. 

In reality, emotions work the opposite way. 

When they are felt, the sadness and fear pass through your system. Facing and feeling negative emotions can have a cathartic effect. It cleans house of the fear and sadness, doubt and worry, and makes room once again for positive feelings of joy, excitement, and happiness.

Please share your thoughts in the comments below, and stay tuned for next week’s installment of "Book to Blog: Chapter 2"!

Most brides contact me because they often feel overwhelmed by a complex mix of emotions.

They feel overrun at times by extreme happiness that they are marrying this great guy.

At the same time, they're also stressed, sad, anxious, fearful, and confused.  

Feeling this way can be disorienting and disturbing.

And definitely not what you expected to feel during your engagement.

Mothers of the bride.

Friends of the bride.

Sisters of the bride.

Many people find my website because they want to help the brides-to-be in their lives who seem to be struggling with some unruly, unexpected, and difficult emotions.

Friends, sisters, mothers -- I often get emails asking, "How can I best help this emotional bride that I love so much?"

Some brides just can't wait to be the center of attention on their wedding days.  It's their time to shine, their dream come true.  They love the spotlight. They're  wired that way.

Maybe you're a really private person.
Maybe you're introverted.
Maybe you're downright shy.
Maybe you feel pressure to perform.

All eyes are on you, as you commit the intimate act of joining together for the rest of your lives.

You’re going to hear "don't be nervous" from everybody – your rabbi, your minister.  Your maid of honor, your bridesmaids.  Your Mom, your Dad.  Your wedding coordinator. Even those teeny tiny flower girls might tell you: “Don’t be nervous.”
 
Don’t be nervous?  Yeah, right.  Are they the ones wearing the big, white dress, with all eyes on them, about to make a lifelong decision?  We think not.

1.  It is the grandest of entrances.

2.  It is one of those Big Moments in life. 

3.  It is silent.

4.  It is ceremonial: your guests will stand to honor you.

5.  It is transformative: you are walking out of one stage of your life and into a new one.

6. It is unknown and unpredictable: you can try to anticipate how you’re going to feel, but in the moment, you can’t control it. (Nor should you, if you want to be authentic.)

7.  It is sad: just look at your wistful Mom and Dad.

8.  It is powerful and moving: just look at your choked-up fiancé.

9.  It is the most photographed walk of your life:  how odd it is to be the subject of paparazzos.

10.  It is nothing short of life changing and profound.

It’s OK to be nervous – got it? ​

1. You are not alone.  Whether or not you walk with your Dad, parents, or solo, you are not alone. You’ve surrounded yourself with your nearest and dearest.
 
2. It’s epic and ancient.  Think of the billions of brides who’ve come before you. You are walking in their footsteps. We think this is a pretty cool concept.
 
3. It’s a forgiving crowd.  Remember: you’re not giving work presentation in front of your cutthroat co-workers. Everyone in this crowd is so happy for you.
 
4. He’s waiting at the end of the aisle.  This wonderful man you’ve chosen, who’ll walk with you in life til the end of your days. 
 
5. This is what you want.  This man. This life.  This future.  It all begins now.  All you have to do is take that walk down the aisle.

Let me help you feel better prepared for your wedding day.  Schedule your consultation now.

When a friend confides in you that she has cold feet before her wedding, what's the most helpful way to respond?

First, show your friend that you can handle her complex and contradictory situation. Let her know through your words and actions that you can tolerate the discomfort, complexity, and sensitivity of her situation.

Don't say,"If you have any doubts, then you should call off your wedding," (Click to read my blog post on why it's so wrong.)  

Say that, and your friend will likely cross you off her list of confidantes. She may even stop talking with you about what's going on altogether and move on to a friend who won’t have such a strong opinion, be judgmental or tell her what she should do.

Here are 5 ways to help a friend with cold feet before his or her wedding:

Yes, I work with grooms, too.  And love it.

It's rare find for a guy to seek out counseling before the wedding.

But it's a wonderful sign of his commitment to the marriage.  

It's a sign that he wants to really understand the complex feelings that his fiance is feeling.  He also who wants to understand what he's feeling...the surprising feelings of fear and sadness that often come up for the grooms, even though he's the one who got the ball rolling by proposing.

It can be confusing, for everyone getting married.

That's why I love this email I received from Ron -- a very manly man who fights forest fires for a living:

I encourage every bride I work with to have her fiance read at least some of my book -- at the very least, Chapter 1, my own personal crazy story of wedding stress turned to joy -- so he can get a better grasp from a third party...an expert...what's going on for her.

This email is proof that that tactic works.

Thanks, Ron!

As a bride in the process of making the huge psychological transition from single woman to married woman, you have a lot going on, emotionally.  

Having someone in your life to help you reflect upon and explore your feelings will be really helpful for you.

You need a compassionate ear.

Talking through your contradictory feelings of joy, excitement, sadness, and fear with a trusted friend or family member will help you gain deeper insight into your emotions.

It feels safer, too:  exploring difficult emotions is less frightening in the presence of an understanding listener.

Choosing the right person is key.

Select someone who is non-judgmental and patient, a person who can understand that you can be happy AND sad AND scared, all at the same time.

Your confidante's job is to help you explore your feelings and gain insight into why you might be feeling this way.

Their job is NOT to "solve" your problems, "fix" your feelings, or tell you that "you should be happy."  

(If you hear that, move on to another friend and try to accept that some people can't handle the emotional complexity of this "happy" time of your life.")

Don't ask your fiance.  

Your first instinct may be to have him play this role for you.  But he may not be the most objective sounding board in this situation.

Your roller coaster-like emotions may unnerve and upset him, causing him to react (or worse, overreact) to your normal and natural -- yet unsettling -- feelings.

You don't want to keep secrets from him, but you may want to put off sharing your deepest, darkest, rawest thoughts until after you've processed them.

Saying something like, "Just in case you've been feeling my distance recently, I want to share what I've been going through.  Don't worry: it has nothing to do with you or us or the wedding.  I've just been feeling sad about growing up and leaving my family.  Can I tell you more about it?"

This will keep the lines of communication open between you without threatening the relationship.

If you can't find a compassionate ear, seek out a therapist or mental-health worker.  Listening -- without judging or fixing -- is what we're trained to do.   It will be money well spent.

Your homework:  Identify the Compassionate Ears in your life, and make a date to see one of them. Get a real conversation going between you about what's REALLY going on for you.  You'll be amazed how unburdened you feel after just one cup of coffee or glass of wine together.

Whether or not you walk down the aisle is entirely up to you.

For my part, I care about helping people make the best decisions they can about their upcoming weddings, whether it's calling it off or working through the feelings that cause them indecision.

I’ve been counseling brides and grooms with cold feet for more than 12 years, and I understand how difficult it is to have doubts and ask the hard questions.

Is it him? Her? You? The relationship? The wedding itself?

Untangling your feelings of cold feet before your wedding can sometimes seem like unraveling a complex knot.

It doesn't help when a well-meaning family member or friend who knows you are struggling and upset says, “If you have any doubts, you should just call it off.”

It only makes you feel worse.

Because it’s bad advice.

Here’s why:  

you’ll still have to make sense of WHY you called it off.  

For your own life narrative -- for your sense of who you are as a person -- you’ll need a clear understanding of why you canceled your wedding beyond It just didn't feel right.

To help you reach that clear understanding, I’ve created a 5-day cold feet email course to help you get to the root causes of your cold feet.  

Yes, you may ultimately determine that this man or woman  just isn't right for you.  But in my experience, that isn’t always the case.  And with a decision this big, it's wise to leave no stone unturned.