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"Marriage is fun.  It's joyous. It's really exciting," the husband says

10/24/2014

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Do you read the New York Times Vows section? 

(Back when I lived in NYC as a single woman, my male bosses referred to it as "the girls' sports section."  GRRRR.  But I digress...)

I still check it out, every week. It's fun to see page after page of photos and announcements of couples married the day before -- where they got married, how they met, what their careers are.  

What grabs my attention most are the weekly "State of the Unions" articles, in which a Times reporter revisits one of the couples whose weddings were featured.  

Sometimes the pieces are depressing, about how couples drift or divorce.  And some are downright sweet -- like last week's by Jane Gordon Julien.

Stuart and Alexandra were married in October, 2001, at Coney Island, a special spot to which they still make annual visits.
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On their wedding day in 2001 on Coney Island. Credit Deidre Schoo for The New York Times

The bride was a marriage skeptic. She just wasn't sure about it


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Is your relationship a basketball or a vase?

3/21/2014

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Do you read the "Modern Love" column in the SundayNew York Times?   

I know I should read International news or the Op-Eds first, but Modern Love is always one of the first pages I turn to. The personal essays are always so intimate and thoughtful. 

"Nursing a Wound in an Appropriate Setting," by Thomas Hooven ran last November.

It's his story about how his girlfriend of 12 years ended their relationship.... 3 weeks before the wedding.

It's a lovely, heartfelt description of heartbreak, recovery, and eventually finding the right love for himself.  

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Hooven describes a key characteristic for a healthy relationship; he put it so beautifully, that I decided to make a video for you about it.   

Watch my YouTube video: "Is Your Relationship a Basketball or a Vase?"

Watch YouTube video
Allison Moir-Smith
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What I Wish Every Bride Knew About How a Happy Marriage Grows

1/2/2014

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(This post is part of the Happy Wives Club Blog Tour which I am delighted to be a part of along with hundreds of inspiring bloggers. To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! )
 
I, too, am a "happy wife" -- married 11 years now --and my marriage is the most important and most nurturing relationship in my life, without question. (Shhh. Don't tell my little kids.) 

I believe that the most helpful contribution I can make to the Happy Wives Club Blog Tour is to talk about the work that I do counseling brides-to-be, Emotionally Engaged.

There's a lot going on for brides-to-be, and it's not just the stress of planning a wedding.  If you're married, you remember this:  you're also learning how to live and love in a deeper, more intimate, more permanent, lifelong way.  And of course, you're a complete beginner at this marriage thing.

So in my 2006 book, Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the "Happiest" Time of Her Life (which I've adapted here), I write about how a brand-new marriage grows. 

If you're a bride or newlywed, you'll see yourself in this blog; if you've been happily married for a while, take a moment to savor how far you've come from those first days, months, and years.

Discovering Your Marriage's Personality

You and your fiance come into your marriage with disparate histories, different ideas of what's right and wrong, and strong convictions on how things should be done.  

Your job, as a married couple, is to create together a new reality that accommodates, respects, nurtures, and works for both of you.

The Apache blessing that is sometimes read during wedding ceremonies offers the right sentiment -- "Now you are two persons, but there is one life before you."

But this implies that the "one life" appears -- poof! --instantly, as soon as you say "I do.'  

In actuality, over the first months and years of your marriage, you and your husband together create your one shared life -- day by day, discussion by discussion, negotiation by negotiation.

Discovering the personality of your marriage and of yourselves as husband and wife occurs through the small details of everyday life.  Maggie Scarf, author of Intimate Partners: Patterns in Love and Marriage, describes it as "the marital conversation that moves from bed to breakfast table."

During the first year or so of your marriage, you and your husband are in a constant dialogue, working out how you're going to live together as a married couple.  

As you parse out day-to-day responsibilities, such as who takes care of the car, feeds the dog, and writes the monthly checks, you're building your marriage.

As you learn to trust each other with money -- "yours," "mine," and "ours" -- you're cementing the foundation of your marriage.  

As you negotiate how much time you spend with family and friends and what aspects of your private life are okay to share, you're co-creating your future together.  

As you deal with your individual needs for sex and solitude, you're discovering differences you perhaps were not aware of before you married.  In short, there's a lot going on inside the cocoon of your marriage.

Your marriage gains its identity as you develop ways of caring for each other that are unique, ways of living together and loving each other that are private, personal, intimate, and sacred to the 2 of you.  

These small acts may not be different from what you did when you were dating -- you still have "your" TV show that you enjoy together every Thursday, and you still go out on walks every night after having dinner together -- but that are imbued now with a sense of permanence.   

After making a lifelong commitment, these small activities and gestures, repeated with love and affection again and again, build a sense of family. And often, it's the tiniest details -- a loving wake-up routine involving a few minutes of snuggling;  or someone receiving a nice hot cup of coffee in bed;  or a Post-it note on the dashboard that says "I love you" -- that help your family of 2 develop and flourish.

The process of building an emotionally engaged marriage often begins with play; the goofy games you play together actually make your marriage uniquely intimate and private.  

Play often gives a marriage part of its personality.  When Sarah's under a lot of stress, for example, her husband Jake hides an orange pom-pommed hat in her purse or by the coffeemaker, somewhere he knows she'll find it, laugh, and lighten up.  (Then the hat is Sara's to hide at a later date. The game continues.)   

When Alex brings Carrie of plate of cookies, he'll often place one of the favors from her bachelorette party -- a suggestive swizzle stick -- on top of her stack of Oreos, cracking her up every time.  

If Cynthia leaves a pair of animal-print underwear on the floor at night, when Brian steps over it, he pretends he's being attacked by a leopard.  

Would anyone else want to play these games or even think they're funny?  Hardly.  But these small, silly moments help to build the foundation of your marriage because they're something you and your husband share alone, in the safety, privacy, and intimacy of your marriage, with no one else's awareness.

Take a moment to reflect:  How do you and your fiance or husband play?  What do you do behind closed doors that is uniquely "you"? What silly games do you play?  What routines do you stick to? 

These little, loving moments are the foundation of your marriage.  They help glue together, day-to-day, the big concepts of sharing love, life, values, and family.  

Being conscious and cognizant of them only serves to strengthen your marriage.
Allison Moir-Smith
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Brides and Grooms Need Not Hide in the Shadows but Instead Create a Ceremony of Them

11/11/2013

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How’s this for making it real?  

A California couple wants "shadow weddings" to be a part of the marriage rite and now counsels other couples on doing so before their weddings, as reported in this fascinating 9-minute NPR radio clip, "Speaking the Unspeakable:'Shadow Weddings' Before the Big Day.

The psychotherapist and life coach couple define shadow wedding as a very intimate ritual that takes place fairly close to the actual wedding, i.e. the “light wedding.”  (To hear what they said to each other, listen to the clip.)

A Shadow Wedding is a sacred space created to speak to all of the fears, all of the concerns, all of those wedding jitters so that you can clear the way for pure joyous celebration on your Light Wedding.  

It’s like a really cathartic therapy session with your spouse before you walk down the aisle.  

In this spirit, what fears and concerns do you think you'd like your future spouse to know before the wedding?  

If you're already married, do you wish you'd gotten it all on the table before you'd said I do?  

If so, what warts-and-all parts of yourself would you reveal to your spouse (that they probably eventually found out anyway )? 

Are you really struggling with your fiance's "warts"?  Contact me for a free 15-minute consultation. Let me help you sort it thru.
Allison Moir-Smith
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Jessica Wolk and Jim Benson after their “shadow wedding,” a sacred space they created to shair their fears & concerns before their Big Day. ( Photo courtesy of the Bensons)
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And at their "light" wedding.
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What Did You Learn From the Boston Lockdown?

4/26/2013

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My family and I live 45 minutes north of Boston.

We were far enough away to be safe from the bombings and the manhunt, and we were close enough to be deeply affected.  

Friends and family were on lockdown last Friday. Brides and grooms that I work with were, too.  

My thoughts kept circling back to them:

How were they dealing, as a couple, under the extreme stress?

What was it like to be cooped up in their apartments under those scary circumstances?

Were they coming together?  Helping each other?  Comforting one another? Supporting each other? Were they connected, kind, sympathetic and gentle with each other?

Or did the stress of the situation expose cracks in their relationship?  Were they impatient, critical, unkind?  Did they flee to separate rooms to ride it out alone? 

What were they learning about each other's character during the lockdown?  Did they like what they saw and experienced...  or not?

Lockdowns don't happen every day in a marriage.  But you and your fiance will, in the course of your lifetime together, go through times of extreme stress.  

The question is:  Does extreme stress bring you together...or push you apart?  

Food for thought.

Contact me for a free 15-minute video consultation.

Allison Moir-Smith
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Cover of Boston magazine, made up of marathoner's running shoes. Beautiful. Heartbreaking.
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The One Fund Boston has already raised $25,000,000 to help the people most affected by the tragic events that occurred in Boston on April 15. Click here to donate.
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"The Giant Matrimonial Leap": Q&A in NY Times

4/8/2013

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Sometimes, I feel like a lone voice in the wilderness talking about what a big deal getting married is -- that it's a challenging time of life that can bring up big issues for brides and grooms.

But then I read this in my favorite "Social Qs" column of the Style section of the New York Times by Philip Galanes yesterday, and I felt less alone:
QUESTION:  My fiancé and I have been fighting over retirement planning. We are both 30, so this is not an imminent problem. He says there’s not much we can do right now because our combined incomes barely meet our frugal living expenses and college debt payments. I know he’s right, but I can’t stop worrying, which makes him feel like a loser. Please help me plot my next move.
This is exactly the type of problem brides come to me with:  I can't shake this worry (our retirement), even though I know it's not really grounded in fact (because we're only 30).  And it's affecting me and our relationship (he feels like "a loser.") 

Sound familiar?

Do you have a nagging worry that you can't quite shake?  What is it? Can you define it?

Writer Philip Galanes first answers the question in his witty and charming way:
ANSWER:  In these difficult financial times, remember that even the most industrious ant (co-starring in Aesop’s fable with the sybaritic grasshopper) only saved enough to last through one winter, not a 30-year retirement in Palm Springs. Times have changed, so take it easy on yourself (and your fiancé). Happily, you are young. With hard work and economizing, your financial picture may improve over the next 30 years. 
Then gets to the heart of the matter:
And while I hate to add to your cost of living, consider speaking with a shrink if your anxiety doesn’t abate. Your worry may, in some small way, be tied to the giant matrimonial leap you’re about to make.
He nails it.  This bride has displaced her anxiety about getting married onto their ability to retire in 30 years.  Amazing, isn't it, how complex and convoluted things can get?  

This is exactly where I go with brides -- where I work with brides: getting to the core meaning of what this "giant matrimonial leap" means to you.  Because for this bride, it's not about financial planning or their retirement savings.  It's about something else entirely, but it got displaced onto the retirement savings worry.

If this bride were to Skype with me, we'd unpack the problem together.  First, I'd ask her to help me deeply understand her anxiety about retirement.  I want to know the nitty-gritty details that keep her tossing and turning at night.  Then we'd talk about her own relationship to money and savings; her family history of money and savings; even her grandparents retirement and family stories about retirement.  I wonder, in the back of my mind, if there are any family stories around marriage, money, old age and retirement that are haunting her now.  We'd also explore her relationship with her fiance and the plans for their life together -- her feelings about his career and work ethic, her feelings about becoming financially interdependent with him for the rest of her life.  And so on. And so on.

And so on.  This is how I work with brides.  We dig deep and we discover, together.  And insight can give clarity, context, and emotional relief.

Every bride is unique. And every bride tends to displace her natural, normal, developmentally-appropriate anxiety about getting married onto something else (like retirement) in her own unique way.  My job is to help brides unpack and understand her own experience, so that she can feel grounded and prepared for her marriage ahead.

Have a worry you're eager to get to the bottom of? Contact me for a free 15-minute video consultation now.  I'm happy to start unpacking with you!

Allison Moir-Smith
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3 Simple Things to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage

3/1/2013

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I know that you and your fiance are busy, busy, busy.

You've got two demanding jobs, two families who want your time, two sets of friends you're bringing together.

Your relationship is going through a lot of big and exciting changes.And, oh yes, you are planning a wedding together. You guys have  LOT on your plate.  

What's really important right now -- and always, in a marriage -- is staying connected and nurturing your relationship.  Even amidst all the hubbubb and to-dos.

Here are 3 very simple things you can do:

1. Pop That Champagne Cork.  Don't let that beautiful orange bottle of Veuve Cliquot sit on ice, waiting for a special occasion. Research shows that couples who regularly celebrate the good times have higher levels of commitment to each other, intimacy, trust, and relationship satisfaction.  Did you decide on a wedding venue? Did a meeting at work go well? Get a new car? Close on a house?  Get a raise? Book the DJ? Celebrate together, even the little things.

2.  Increase The Nice By 5.  You and your fiance have hundreds of emotional interactions every day.  It's not humanly possible for all of them to be perfectly sweet. Take note of those little lapses -- when you are mean, snide, dismissive, critical, defensive, withholding or worst of all, when you roll your eyes at him.  For every not-so-nice moment, research shows that you must have 5 positive interactions to compensate.  A kiss for no reason.  "You look handsome in that color."  A hug.  In stable marriages, there are at least 5 times more positive interactions than negative ones.  Keep this 5:1 ratio in mind, and increase the nice by 5 after the nasty.

3. Just Do It. Maybe you're both really stressed out with work and the wedding. Maybe you've been together for a long time and that stay-in-bed-all-weekend phase is ancient history.  It's normal for sex to become less of a priority for couples. But research shows that after 5 minutes of even "going through the motions", the powerful bonding chemicals vasopressin and oxytocin are released, and you're likely to start enjoying yourself. Regular sex improves your mood, makes you more patient, damps down anger, and leads to a better, more contented relationship.  So, don't think about it: just do it! 

So simple, right? 

Don't you think every couple you know would benefit from learning about these 3 simple things?

Will you share this article with your friends? 

Warmly,
Allison

PS Research cited here is from 2 books on marriage that I wholeheartedly recommend: For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage by Tara Parker-Pope and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman.

Contact me for a free 15-minute consultation

Allison Moir-Smith
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Worried you're not all over each other all the time?

12/13/2012

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For every bride who worries about her relationship because you're no longer in the stay-in-bed-all-weekend-and-order-in-Chinese-food stage:  this op-ed by psychology professor Sonja Lyubomirsky in the New York Times:  "New Love: A Short Shelf Life":  
If we obsessed, endlessly, about our partners and had sex with them multiple times a day — every day — we would not be very productive at work or attentive to our children, our friends or our health. (To quote a line from the 2004 film “Before Sunset,” about two former lovers who chance to meet again after a decade, if passion did not fade, “we would end up doing nothing at all with our lives.” ) Indeed, the condition of being in love has a lot in common with the state of addiction and narcissism; if unabated, it will eventually exact a toll.
So if you and your fiance are actually able to take your hands off each other and function in the world as professionals, partners, family members and friends, read the full article.  

Lyubomirsky defines the differences between passionate love and companionate love -- a valuable and important distinction for every long-term (or about to become long-term) couple to keep in mind.

There's nothing wrong if you're not spending entire weekends in bed together anymore; hopefully, you did that when you were falling in love with each other.  And sadly, you only get to fall in love for the first time with your fiance once.  

Right now, however, you're probably getting big "hits" of passionate love for him as you plan your wedding, have special weekends away, take vacations, dream of your honeymoon, and plan your futures together.  As Lyubormirsky explains, women seek new experiences (planning a wedding sure is one, wouldn't you say?), and get a greater "hit" of happiness from novelty than our guys do.  

Rich stuff, this article. 

So applicable to your life as a bride.

I can't wait to get my hands on Sonja Lyubomirsky January 2013 book“The Myths of Happiness: What Should Make You Happy, but Doesn’t, What Shouldn’t Make You Happy, but Does.”  I'm going to give it to myself as a New Year's present.

Want to talk through where you are?Contact me for a free 15-minute consultation

Allison Moir-Smith
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