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Why "Perfect On Paper" Is Not Enough

10/26/2015

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In the past year, I've counseled two clients -- a man and a woman -- who were both engaged to people who were "perfect on paper."

The 2 future spouses had only admirable qualities: 
  • They were kind.
  • They were good looking
  • They came from good families.
  • They were well educated.
  • They were driven, ambitious, successful.
  • They'd be good parents.
  • They''d be good life partners.

The futures looked bright

Both clients believed that they SHOULD want these perfect-on-paper people.  

They should want these marriages.  

That they'd be crazy to let go of someone who, for all intents and purposes, was perfect for them.

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For months, they tried to talk themselves into these marriages


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Brides.com: Does More Sex Make You Happier?

7/10/2015

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My post on Brides.com this week: Does Having More Sex Make You Happier?

We bet your fiancé's argued this point before: that you'll both be happier if you have more sex.

Now you can have an informed discussion about this age-old couples conundrum, with data from a new study to be published in the August issue of 
The Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization
.

Here's how they conducted the study, as reported on the Well Blog of the New York Times: 64 adult couples, all married and heterosexual, completed questionnaires about how often they had sex, how enjoyable it was and how happy they were in general. Half the couples were then told to maintain their sex lives as usual. The other half were told to double the amount of sex they had.

Click for more...

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Brides.com: Hurt His Feelings? Now Do This

4/30/2015

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Here's some practical relationship advice and to-dos, for the next time (oh yes, there will be a next time) you hurt your fiance's feelings.

Check out my post on Brides.com.
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Brides.com:  Want to know if you'll have sex tonight?

4/3/2015

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Then read the post on Brides.com that I wrote this week.

Surprising new study...that'll change how you feel about hopping into your PJs at 9pm!
Allison Moir-Smith
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Brides.com: What Relationship Do You Compare Yours To?

2/15/2015

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This week's brides.com post:

"We all compare our relationships — even when we know it's not good for us. 


Who do you compare yours to? Your annoying Facebook friend with her perfectly curated marriage ("My husband brought me flowers again, third time this week!!!")? The athletic blonde-and-blue-eyed couple next door? George and Amal?


For most brides, the couple they compare their relationship to is their mom and dad. As in "Mom and Dad don't fight over what type of couch to buy for two months, like my fiancé and I are."

Click for full post

Allison Moir-Smith
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A Cold and Cozy New England Holiday with Lots of Books

1/2/2015

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That's what I've been having.

I came across this quote I have to share with you, from Anne Lamott's Help Thanks Wow.

What a great attitude and approach to marriage.

Do you agree? Disagree?
Allison Moir-Smith
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Brides.com: So....You Don't Like Your Engagement Ring

1/2/2015

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Click here to read the rest of today's Brides.com on what to do if you don't like your engagement ring.
Allison Moir-Smith
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Brides.com: Why Are You Marrying Him?

11/28/2014

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Have you written your "elevator pitch" about why you're marrying your guys, of all the guys on the planet?

Here's why you should, and how you can do it.

Why Are You Marrying Him? on Brides.com
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I love this blog post, if I do say so myself :)

Click to set custom HTML
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Don't miss next week's post! Follow me on Twitter or Facebook

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"Marriage is fun.  It's joyous. It's really exciting," the husband says

10/24/2014

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Do you read the New York Times Vows section? 

(Back when I lived in NYC as a single woman, my male bosses referred to it as "the girls' sports section."  GRRRR.  But I digress...)

I still check it out, every week. It's fun to see page after page of photos and announcements of couples married the day before -- where they got married, how they met, what their careers are.  

What grabs my attention most are the weekly "State of the Unions" articles, in which a Times reporter revisits one of the couples whose weddings were featured.  

Sometimes the pieces are depressing, about how couples drift or divorce.  And some are downright sweet -- like last week's by Jane Gordon Julien.

Stuart and Alexandra were married in October, 2001, at Coney Island, a special spot to which they still make annual visits.
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On their wedding day in 2001 on Coney Island. Credit Deidre Schoo for The New York Times

The bride was a marriage skeptic. She just wasn't sure about it


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Book to Blog, Chapter 5: From "Me" to "We" -- The Private Lives of Engaged Couples

8/29/2014

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Chapter 5 of Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the "Happiest" Time of Her Life addresses the fact that once your big day arrives, you are officially a ‘We’ instead of a ‘Me’. And that, for any bride, can be hard to swallow.

Although engagements bring excitement, gifts, and endless parties ... there is a lot going on behind closed doors for engaged couples.

  • How do we deal with our differences? 
  • Will he judge me when my flaws are exposed? 
  • Do we even know how to be married?
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These are big questions that most couples face and work through during their engagements....privately. Intimately.  Behind closed doors. 

Below I have included a portion of the chapter that hones in on some of the differences that can emerge.

Dueling through differences

Even couples who think they’ve covered all the essential topics before getting engaged are often broadsided by the differences that emerge once the “rest of my life” soundtrack switches on. 

She’s a huge environmentalist; he’s not really that passionate about recycling. 

He feels a much greater pull to his Jewish roots than he expected; she thought he was "spiritual but not religious." 

He likes crunchy peanut butter; she likes creamy. 

During your engagement, you may discover opinions, 
habits, or values that you hadn’t seen before 

The fact is, whoever you marry will be very different from you. 

You can either accept who he is, and learn how to live with your differences, or you can argue your point until you’re blue in the fact about the rightness or wrongness of black leather furniture. 

In short, you can choose to keep fighting about a problem that has no solution, or you can learn how to live with your differences. 

Click here to find out more of what Chapter 5 holds!

Please share your thoughts in the comments below, and stay tuned for next week’s installment of ‘Book to Blog’ – Chapter 6!
Allison Moir-Smith
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