Nearly all brides and grooms have this fixed idea -- this fantasy -- that their engagement will be love and romance 24/7
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Engagement IS a romantic time of life -- choosing a ring, planning your dream wedding, imagining your future stretched out before you.
It's a stressful time for engaged couples as well.
Many engaged couples report more fighting and less sex.
Why?
It's a stressful time for engaged couples as well.
Many engaged couples report more fighting and less sex.
Why?
Once intensely private, your relationship has now become public property
Everyone feels compelled to comment on whether or not you’re a good match.
You're discovering personality differences and relationship challenges that never came up when you were just dating
Your nosy (and tactless) aunt Betty may shamelessly inquire, “Will he be able to provide for you in the manner to which you are accustomed, dear?” (That sure didn’t happen when you were dating.) On top of that, all eyes are on you to plan the perfect wedding.
As you and your fiancé/e have clashing vision of what “perfect” is, you’re discovering personality differences and relationship challenges that never came up when you were just dating.
You may also be buying cars and homes together, and as you sign both of your names on the dotted line, you’re learning about each other on a whole new level, finding out about new strengths and weaknesses, idiosyncrasies and quirks, angels and devils within each other.
“What I want is for someone else to plan our wedding for us,” bride-to-be Erica commented to me. “And then we’ll do it again in five years, when we’re settled into marriage and know each other even better.”
You may also be buying cars and homes together, and as you sign both of your names on the dotted line, you’re learning about each other on a whole new level, finding out about new strengths and weaknesses, idiosyncrasies and quirks, angels and devils within each other.
“What I want is for someone else to plan our wedding for us,” bride-to-be Erica commented to me. “And then we’ll do it again in five years, when we’re settled into marriage and know each other even better.”
Engagement can be a time of turbulence for couples
Not necessarily 100% romance, 100% of the time.
That's perfectly normal. And, I'd argue, necessary. Here's why:
During your engagement, you're getting to know each other on a whole new level, even if you've dated for years. You're learning how to live more intimately, to make big decisions together, to deal with each other's families, to understand each other's different needs for closeness, communication, solitude, sex.
All while planning the biggest, most important, and most expensive party of your life.
That's perfectly normal. And, I'd argue, necessary. Here's why:
During your engagement, you're getting to know each other on a whole new level, even if you've dated for years. You're learning how to live more intimately, to make big decisions together, to deal with each other's families, to understand each other's different needs for closeness, communication, solitude, sex.
All while planning the biggest, most important, and most expensive party of your life.
Have respect for, and keep top of mind, these big changes your relationship's undergoing as you plan your wedding
So when you get in snafus or struggles about venues, in-laws, or expenses, know that, through this process, you are learning about each other and deepening your relationship. (A great book that really helps build and deepen your marital friendship and teaches healthy conflict resolution is John Gottman's Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.)
There's a LOT going on in the private life of an engaged couple....that's normal, that's healthy, and that's OK.
There's a LOT going on in the private life of an engaged couple....that's normal, that's healthy, and that's OK.
Keywords: #engaged, #engagement, #bride, #groom, #wedding
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