In the past year, I’ve counseled two clients — a man and a woman — who were both engaged to people who were “perfect on paper.”
The 2 future spouses had only admirable qualities:
- They were kind.
- They were good looking
- They came from good families.
- They were well educated.
- They were driven, ambitious, successful.
- They’d be good parents.
- They”d be good life partners.
The futures looked bright.
Both clients believed that they SHOULD want these perfect-on-paper people.
They should want these marriages.
That they’d be crazy to let go of someone who, for all intents and purposes, was perfect for them.
For months, they tried to talk themselves into these marriages.
They’d make pro/con lists with their partner’s attributes and faults.
They’d psychoanalyze every interaction with their fiance/es, noting how they were feeling.
Then they’d report in to me each week about what transpired between them — how life with their future spouse was perfectly OK, good, fine.
They’d justify to themselves that being OK with their marriage was enough.
But there was always, for both of my clients, a missing piece that they could not shake.
They wanted to feel a stronger sense of “I really want this person”.
Both clients kept saying to me, “I should want him/her more than I do.”
They weren’t looking for a Jerry Maguire-esque “You complete me” love. But they both wanted to feel more: more love, more “in love,” more passion, more fulfilled, deep down, at a soul level by their future marriages.
Both wanted more emotional connection with their future spouses and a stronger feeling that, with this person, their life would be immeasurably enhanced because of the emotional closeness of the relationship. So we worked hard in our sessions creating strategies to deepen the intimacy, closeness, and connection. One couple went to counseling together.
But after a few anguished months of trying to talk themselves into these marriages, both clients came to this truth:
What was missing was an inner sense that the future spouses “got” who they were.
- That they were deeply understood and intimately known.
- That their future spouses intuitively understood how they ticked.
- This was the missing piece — not the passion or the sex life, not the career and earning potential, not even the values. The missing piece for both: They did not feel their future spouses “got” who they were.
Perfect on paper is not enough.
- Do you really want this person?
- Does your future spouse really GET you?
Not sure? Contact Me for a free 15-minute video consultation, and we’ll begin sorting it out, together.